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The Young Ones - Bambi

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1984

RICK: ...Which, if you ask me, is about as clever as going to the toilet without taking your trousers down! Anyway, Mary decided...

VYVYAN: Wait a minute, wait a minute...Who's this Mary?

RICK: What do you mean, "who's this Mary"? I've been talking about her for the last ten minutes!

VYVYAN: Have you?

RICK: Honestly, Vyvyan, have you been listening to a word I've said?

VYVYAN: No.

RICK: Well, pay attention. Mary, right, who's that tall girl doing geoggers...

VYVYAN: OH! You mean the one with the enormous tits!

RICK: They're minu...Vyvyan, would you stop being so sexist? They're called breasts, and everybody has them.

VYVYAN: Well, I don't.

RICK: Yes, and nor did Adolf Hitler!

VYVYAN: Oh, I know who you mean. "Old Yellow Pages".

RICK: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I believe some of the more politically unsound members of the Univerisity call her that, yes. So, anyway, Mary decided...

MIKE: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

RICK: What is it now?

MIKE: Who's getting married?

RICK: No, no one's getting married, Michael, I'm talking about Mary.

MIKE: Who's Mary?

RICK: Oh, God...

MIKE: [to Vyvyan] I still don't see why that means they should call her "Yellow Pages".

VYVYAN: [explaining to Mike] Look, I'm telling you, Michael, because when she gets drunk at parties...

RICK: Vyvyan, please! Will you both please try and grow up and pay attention? It's my story, it's bloody amusing...Honestly, I don't know why I bother, sometimes!

VYVYAN: I don't know why you bother ever.

RICK: Yeah, right [snort] ...Anyway, Mary decided not to go to the party, for the obvious reason...

MIKE: Were we invited?

RICK: What?

MIKE: To the party, the wedding.

RICK: [exasperated] NOOOOO!

NEIL: Guys, guys, listen, I've got something amazing to tell you!

RICK: Answer the phone, Neil!

NEIL: What?

RICK: Answer the phone!

NEIL: Oh yeah, right.

[Neil is about to pick up the phone when it stops ringing.]

NEIL: Oh...Floppy disks! Anyway, look, never mind that...

RICK: What do you mean, "never mind"? What do you mean, "never mind"? That might have been a very important call, Neil. You're a complete teacup, aren't you?

NEIL: Mug, Rick.

RICK: What? Oh sorry, yes, DAMN, DAMN!

NEIL: Anyway, listen, guys...

VYVYAN: No, no, Neil, you listen! I've been waiting here half an hour, half a bloody hour, Neil, being hungry, waiting for my tea, and listening to that [points to Rick] bogey-bum!

NEIL: Oh, that's my fault, is it? Oh yeah, it's always my fault. Why don't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?

VYVYAN: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do!

That's what we agreed when we first came. You do the cooking, I look after the plants and goldfish.

NEIL: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?

VYVYAN: Eh...Sausages. It was a Tuesday.

NEIL: Yeah, sausages, and...

VYVYAN: Sausages and plants and goldfish. Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.

RICK: Hey, Mike, that sounds like a cue for a really dirty joke, doesn't it!

MIKE: Shut up, Rick.

MIKE: What's this, Neil?

NEIL: Leftovers.

RICK: Neil, I hate you.

NEIL: Oh, yeah, that's right, pick on me. I mean, I've already had personality hassles from a complete stranger today.

VYVYAN: [rooting throught the garbage with a fork] Hey! There's a dead rat in there! Great!

NEIL: Yeah, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me smelly! This complete stranger shouted "smelly!" at me! I wouldn't have minded if he was a hundred _yards_ away...

I mean, come on guys, you can tell me truthfully, do I smell?

MIKE: Yes.

NEIL: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I smell...What do you mean, "yes"?

VYVYAN: We mean yes you smell...Smelly!

NEIL: Oh, great, yeah.

MIKE: Sit down, Neil. [Neil sits at the table]

NEIL: Sorry.

RICK: Hands up, who likes me! [there is no response]

MIKE: Guys, no wonder Neil's smelly. [He indicates the notebook] According to the house list, it says the last time we went to the launderette was the 23rd of October...nineteen-eighty-one. Guys, it's wash day.

VYVYAN: But why, Michael? I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash.

RICK: I said, hands up, who likes...

MIKE: Rick! We heard what you said. Now, guys, brace yourselves, there's no avoiding this, and I'm not talking about my chopper, we are going to the launderette!

VYVYAN: Oh, no, please...

NEIL: No, not the launderette...

RICK: [stands up abruptly] Why don't you like me?

VYVYAN: Because you're a complete bastard.

RICK: Vyvyan, I'm being serious!

VYVYAN: So am I. You're a complete bastard and we all hate you.

RICK: [shaking his head] I find that rather difficult to believe.

VYVYAN: Do you want to bet on it? I'll put down a fiver.

NEIL: Yeah, me too.

MIKE: You can count me in as well.

RICK: Yes, eh, I...I don't bet.

VYVYAN: Coward!

NEIL: Yeah, yellow chicken!

RICK: Alright, I'm not scared!

VYVYAN: Right, then, a fiver!

RICK: Oh, I haven't got any money.

NEIL: What about that tenner I lent you this morning? For your sister's operation?

VYVYAN: You haven't got a sister, Rick! You're the classic example of an only child.

RICK: Alright, alright, are we going to bet or are we going to piffle around all night? [slaps money on the table] There's a tenner!

VYVYAN: Quiet, everybody, the bet's on!

RICK: Right. Hands up, who likes me!

DAMN! Right, that's it, I'm going to kill myself.

Then you'll be sorry!

VYVYAN: No, we won't.

NEIL: [Rooting through the garbage] Does anybody want the last chick pea?

MIKE: I didn't even want the first one.

RICK: I feel sorry for you, you zeros, you nobodies. What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you -- nothing, that's what!

NEIL: [sotto voce to Vyvyan] Vyv, Vyv, uh, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?

VYVYAN: I don't know, Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out.

NEIL: I think I'm going up to my room for a bit...

RICK: This house will become a shrine! And punks and skins and Rastas will all gather round and all hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader! And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"

RICK: And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Why kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" Then another kid will say... [Rick emits a long, loud fart].

BOX: Don't look at me, I'm irrelevant.

NEIL: Oh, no! Oh wow! Guys, guys, quickly -- one of Vyvyan's socks has escaped!

DR CARLISLE: Amazing! Absolutely amazing. Human beings the size of amoebas.

JANET: Here's your afternoon tea, Dr. Carlisle.

DR CARLISLE: Ah, thank you, Janet. [He takes an eclair from the tray]

JANET: Oh, Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is here to see you.

DR CARLISLE: Is he? Well, I'd best conceal this sticky bun by placing it precariously on the edge of this box. [Dramatic music] Show him in.

DR NTNN: Prepare yourself, sir. I have a patient outside whose deformities are so grotesque that you will question how the Almighty could suffer such a blasphemy upon his earth.

DR CARLISLE: Calm yourself, Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News, we are men of science! We fear no worldly terrors.

DR NTNN: Pray, remember, sir, he is human! He is...a man!

DR CARLISLE: It's an elephant, Doctor.

DR NTNN: You unfeeling bastard, sir! [Speaks to the elephant]

I hoped perhaps he might understand.

ELEPHANT: [in voiceover] I am an elephant, you know.

VYVYAN: Get back in the sack, sock!

SOCK: I'm not going back in there! It stinks!

MIKE: Vyvyan, if you can't keep control of your socks, you shan't be allowed to have any!

NEIL: Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock!

NEIL: Kill...Kill...Kill...Kill...

RICK: [coming in from upstairs] Oh, that's nice talk coming from a vegetarian!

NEIL: Socks aren't vegetables, man, they should be wiped out!

RICK: I hope you're satisfied, Doctor Neil Goebels! It's dead now.

VYVYAN: Rick, it was a mercy killing.

MIKE: Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!

VYVYAN: We can't Mike.

MIKE: Why not?

VYVYAN: Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.

MIKE: Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.

VYVYAN: Wow, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.

RICK: Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.

NEIL: Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.

RICK: Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!

VYVYAN: [grabbing Rick by the collar] Shut up or I'll kill you!

MIKE: Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!

VYVYAN: Right. [Points to Rick's hat] And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!

NEIL: Right, let's go.

VYVYAN: God! That was quick!

NEIL: Come on, guys. Like, the sooner we start, like, the sooner we finish.

RICK: Hah! They said that about...eh...uh...Something that took a long time to finish.

VYVYAN: I hate these places. They're so depressing. You know, Michael, I would rather go to a lecture than a launderette.

MIKE: Come on, Vyvyan, don't exaggerate.

RICK: [Tugging at Mike's sleeve] Hey, I know a joke about that as well. Listen, pay attention to me. "I told you a million times, do not exaggerate!" [Rick laughs; Mike stares at him] Get on with it, Neil.

WASHING MACHINE: No way!

NEIL: Oh, wow! Technofear! It's happening again! All the machinery's ganging up on me! Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. [He talks to the machine] Now then, don't give me any gip, you bastard.

VYVYAN: Oh dear. [Sotto to the guys] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [Loudly] Oh, la-di-da! Look what I found in my laundry bag. All of Felicity Kendall's underwear, that needs a good wash!

VYVYAN: NOW!

MIKE: Now, "make sure that the door is firmly closed" -- no, we've done that -- right, "fill the tray with powder" -- Powder! What do they mean, "powder"? Gunpowder, curry powder, cocaine? I mean, what's on their minds?

NEIL: Maybe they mean washing powder, Mike. Um...Oh, look, maybe if we got all the horrid sludgy bits out of the other machines we could get enough.

MIKE: Neil, you carry on...Right, "if you require conditioner..." Well, do we?

RICK: No, Mike, that's just for people washing their hair.

MIKE: No, we don't want to go mad. Right, "Insert two 50-pence pieces..."

NEIL: Come on, guys, I don't think we should let this experience bring us down. I mean, what's so wrong with dirty clothes, anyway?

RICK: Yeah! You know what they say, "dirty pants, clean botty!"

MIKE: "Dirty duvet, dirty mind."

VYVYAN: My knickers are so old, it's only the stubborn understains that are holding them together!

RICK: Yeah, right on! One thing's for sure -- when Lenin led the revolution in Russia, no way did he do it with a spotless bott!

VYVYAN: YEAH! I LOVE MY BOTTOM SPOTTY!

NEIL: Yeah...Yeah...Let's never wash our clothes again!

MIKE: What do you mean, "again"?

NEIL: Yeah, yeah, we could be, like, the dirtiest students in the whole world.

MIKE: Hey, now there's a challenge!

NEIL: OH! [jumps up] OH! WOW! I just remembered what it was I had to tell you! Oh no, what's the time?

MIKE: Now, Vyv, here's your chance. [He shows Vyv his watch] Right, now see the big hand there? That's on the two, right? Now, the little hand is on that one there, just before the twelve.

Now, what's that one?

VYVYAN: [uncertain] Eleven?

MIKE: Perfectly excellent! So what's the time?

VYVYAN: [thinks for a moment] Uh...Half past five!

NEIL: That means we have exactly two minutes to get to the station!

RICK: Oh, cock-a-doodle-doo, Neil! What are you talking about?

NEIL: We've been picked to go on University Challenge...tonight! [Dramatic music]

VYVYAN: To the station!

MIKE: Music!

NEIL: Oh, I wish we'd missed the train after all now. I'm just not going to be able to answer anything, I just know it.

RICK: Oh, come off it, Neil, you little swotty-pants. Just look at you, swotting away for teacher like a total spazmo. You're just an utter creep, really, aren't you? You've done loads and loads of work on it and I haven't done anything, nothing a t all. Go on, test me. Go on, test me!

NEIL: You just said you hadn't done anything.

RICK: Don't be clever, just take the book. [Rick throws his notebook at Neil]

NEIL: Alright, but verbatim regurgitation is against my principles.

RICK: I'm asking you to test me on it, not throw up on it! Right, do it properly and don't skip bits.

NEIL: [reading the title of the notebook] "O-Level History Notes"?

RICK: Yes, bit of pretty bloody billiant luck, eh? We're doing exactly the same period as I did for O-Level!

NEIL: [Reading from the notebook] "Prick is a wonker. Signed, the rest of the class."

RICK: Ah, yes, now, that was a sort of "in joke" that we had in my form. Actually, I was incredibly popular and everyone thought I was great.

NEIL: "...I agree with the rest of the class. Signed, Teacher."

RICK: Just test me on the stuff, will you? [Indicating a different page] There!

NEIL: Alright, alright, don't get uncool and heavy. "Crop rotation in the 14th century..."

RICK: Right. [reciting] "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread..."

NEIL: "Considerably".

RICK: What?

NEIL: It's "considerably more widespread", not "much more".

RICK: Well?

NEIL: Well, you said, "do it properly."

RICK: Well, not that much, you stupid bloody hippie!

NEIL: You said, "do it properly and don't skip bits!" How was I to know that wasn't important?

RICK: Well it wasn't important, alright? Shall we just get on and stop wasting time like this? Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was _considerably_ more widespread...after..." God, I know this...don't tell me..."after 1172." [Neil is s ilent] Well, was I right?

NEIL: No, but I didn't think it was important.

RICK: Well, what was it, then?

NEIL: You just said not to tell you.

RICK: I bloody well did not!

NEIL: Yes you did! You said, "Don't tell me" just before you said, "1172."

RICK: But I only meant for a minute!

NEIL: What, a minute from now, or a minute from then?

RICK: Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!

NEIL: Shut up AND tell you the answer?

RICK: JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!

NEIL: John.

RICK: Thank you..."John"?

NEIL: Yeah, "John" is the answer.

RICK: "Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread after John?

NEIL: "...Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."

RICK: Oh, yes, I knew it, I bloody knew it!

NEIL: You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".

RICK: [hysterical] You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I'm so hard and street and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all, and you've done loads, look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads... [he starts making a mess of Neil's papers]

NEIL: Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only University Challenge!

RICK: ...loads and loads, loads and loads...

[Vyv (carrying two coffee cups) and Mike enter the car. Vyv briefly gets stuck in the automatic door. They sit down.]

VYVYAN: [Giving a cup to Rick] There you are, Rick, that'll be five quid.

RICK: £5 for an empty paper cup?

VYVYAN: It had sugar in it.

MIKE: Who are we playing, anyway, Neil?

NEIL: Footlights College, Oxbridge. It's going to be really heavy and tough.

VYVYAN: [pulling out a thick book] Well, I've done my revision.

MIKE: [reads the book's title] "The Daily Mirror Book of Facts: Did You Know".

NEIL: Do you think that's where they get the questions from?

"The world's record for stuffing marshmallows up one single nostril..."

VYVYAN: Ehhh, "Six-hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A."

NEIL: Yeah, right! "World's stickiest bogey?"

VYVYAN: Ha! Tried to fool me. That's Toxteth again!

RICK: The World's Stupidest Bottom-Burp: Vyvyan, Britain!

NEIL: It says "Rick" here, actually.

RICK: Give me that! [Rick grabs the book]

VYVYAN: See, I've done my revision. I'm going off now to stuff loads and loads of paper down the toilet.

MIKE: [to camera] I've often wondered who did that.

VYVYAN: [reading the sign] "Do Not Lean Out of the Window". I wonder why?

RICK: Oh good heavens, what now?

MIKE: Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.

RICK: Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want fifty pounds they can blimmin' well go out and become a prostitute. Which they virtually are, anyway, come to think of it. [to camera] Right, commuters?

NEIL: Oh, no, we'll never get there on time now.

MIKE: Relax, Neil. Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.

VYVYAN'S HEAD: Over here, over here...You took your time, you bastard!

RICK: Come on, come on! Get the thing started! God, what excuse is it this time? I suppose they'll be telling us they've been held up my Mexican bandits.

TRAIN DRIVER: That's a Zapata moustache, ennit? He's Mexican, wasn't he, eh? Funny, really, you know, Zapata. He starts out as a peasant revolutionary, and ends up as a kind of moustache. Che Guevara, he's another one. South American revolutionary , ends up as a sort of boutique. Garibaldi, Italian revolutionary, ends up as a kind of biscuit. It's quite interesting, you know, the number of biscuits that are named after revolutionaries.

You've got your Garibaldi, of course, you've got your Bourbons, then of course you've got your Peek Freens Trotsky Assortment.

"Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box! / You have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum!"

I never really wanted to be a train driver, you know. I mean, they told me while at school, if I got two CSEs, when I left school I'd be head of British Steel. That's a lot of nonsense, ennit? I mean, you look at statistics, right. 83% of top British ma nagement have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 93% of the BBC have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 98% of the KGB have been to a public school and Oxbridge.

All you get from a public school, right -- one, you get a top job, right, and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that's why British management's so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom, they're all shutting each ot hers' dicks in the door! "Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!" BAM! OW OW OW! "Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play thePanzer commander and the millkmaid, EW EW EW EW! YOO HOO!"

ALL: [singing] Rah, rah, rah, we're going to smash the oinks! Ha ha ha ha ha!

WASHING MACHINE: You know, it's a rotten shame. I went to see the Careers Officer in Big College yesterday, and he said all he'd got left is chairman of British Rail! Well, I wanted to be Director General of the BBC.

LORD SNOT: Yes, it's rotten, they gave it to Skapper just because he directed our world tour of "Hamlet" and wrote our hilarious revue, "What Ho, Darkie". Honestly, chairman of a nationalized industry -- I'd rather be a Cabinet Minister!

KENDAL MINTCAKE: Well, I'm alright, 'cause my Daddy's bought me the Socialist Workers' Party for my birthday!

MISS MONEY-STERLING: At least we're going to smash the oinks at Scumbag College in University Challenge.

LORD SNOT: We've just got time before my balls drop!

RICK: Oh, God. If you hadn't pulled that communication cord, Vyvyan, that man would never have thrown us off the train.

MIKE: Rick, he threw us off the train because you said ASLEF was an anagram for "total and complete bastard."

NEIL: And apart from everything else...It isn't, even.

RICK: Oh, shut up, Neil. If you hadn't been born at all, then we wouldn't even be here, because there'd only be three of us, and three isn't enough to go on University Challenge. So it's your fault.

NEIL: Bambi won't wait.

MIKE: Relax, Neil, he's a personal friend. I helped him get the Babycham commercial.

NEIL: Really? Oh wow. Do you think they really do make it out of babies?

RICK: Oh, bloody hell! It must be 200 miles to Manchester, and I bet we've got to walk the whole blimmin' way!

MIKE: What are you talking about, Rick? I'm the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy.

MIKE: See, told you so! [They start walking past the guard] Evening, Officer, University Challenge, Scumbag College.

GUARD: Hang on... [he checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

NEIL: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.

MIKE: Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?

GUARD: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes..."Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral e xistence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."

NEIL: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?

GUARD: Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyv attempts to enter the studio with a pig] Hang on, what's that?

VYVYAN: It's my mascot!

GUARD: A pig?

VYVYAN: No!

GUARD: It is.

VYVYAN: It's not, it's a ferret. A deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.

GUARD: Looks exactly like a pig.

VYVYAN: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.

GUARD: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?

VYVYAN: Ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.

MIKE: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.

RICK: Had you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more?

PIG: [in thought balloon] That's nothing, someone called me a policeman the other day.

GUARD: Good morning, Mr. Gasciogne, sir.

BAMBI: Scumbag College? So you finally made it.

MIKE: Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good. Albeit you've lost a little fur since I've last seen you, and you're walking on two legs now I see...But still the same old Bambi!

RICK: Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?

NEIL: I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...

VYVYAN: Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.

NEIL: That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Set".

NEIL: [gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?

BAMBI: So what if I did? I'm not apologizing. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable faun alright, unusable for anything else. I took the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, we ll, I thought, this is where I get something back...If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.

RICK: Well, are you going to let us win?

BAMBI: No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.

BAMBI: Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...

AUDIENCE: Rah rah rah! We're going to smash the oinks!

BAMBI: Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.

SPG: Oi! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!

SPG: See you, teddy-bear, come 'ere!

BAMBI: Yes, well, representing Footlights we have Lord Monty...

WASHING MACHINE: Hello.

BAMBI: ...Lord Snot...

LORD SNOT: Heh heh heh. [he sips champagne]

BAMBI: ...Miss Money-Sterling...

MISS MONEY-STERLING: Ah! [she sips champagne]

BAMBI: ...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.

KENDAL MINTCAKE: [gives thumbs-up sign] Hi

BAMBI: And representing Scumbag we have Mike..

MIKE: Hello.

BAMBI: ...Prick...

RICK: What? [He leans over to look at his namecard, to which someone has added a "P"]

BAMBI: ...Vyvyan... [Vyvyan gives a double screw-you sign] ...and Neil.

NEIL: Vegetable rights and peace. [Neil gives a peace sign]

BAMBI: So, your starter for 10, no conferring: Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...

ANNOUNCER: Scumbag, Neil.

NEIL: Uh...Can I go to the toilet please?

BAMBI: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. 5 point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. ...He came to represent the modal cathodic slipwit of the...

ANNOUNCER: Footlights, Monty.

WASHING MACHINE: Alright, now, eh, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk d'Wally d'Honque?

BAMBI: Yes, well, you're almost there, can you give me any more?

WASHING MACHINE: Certainly, will fifty pound do?

BAMBI: Absolutely spot on, well done Footlights, 10 points, and three bonus questions to you. "What was the name..."

LORD SNOT: Battle of Bannockburn!

BAMBI: Yes, well that's very well anticipated. Battle of Bannockburn it is.

NEIL: Buzz, buzz...uh, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.

BAMBI: Yes, well, the second bonus question, to Footlights, who are ahead by 15 points, but it's early days yet...

NEIL: Oh, no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.

BAMBI: ...Who said, "Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire"?

KENDAL MINTCAKE: Lenin!

BAMBI: Yes, I can accept that, although the exact answer is Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, 5 points. And what is the chemical equation...

MISS MONEY-STERLING: I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!

BAMBI: Yes, well, that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights leads by 25 points.

MISS MONEY-STERLING: Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!

BAMBI: So, starters for 10, fingers on the buzzers...Who is the richest person in the world?

ANNOUNCER: Scumbag, Vyvyan.

VYVYAN: What?

RICK: We're getting trashed, we're getting completely trashed! [the guys confer] Isn't there some way we can cheat?

NEIL: Guys, look, it's beginning to seep out.

MIKE: It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug! [Mike empties his water pitcher on Lord Snot's head]

BAMBI: Now I'll have to hurry you...Who is the richest person in the world?

ANNOUNCER Footlights, Snot.

LORD SNOT: It's me, isn't it?

BAMBI: No, I'm afraid not, your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.

LORD SNOT: Oh, damn. [the water pitcher falls on Lord Snot's head]

BAMBI: So with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...

VYVYAN: [buzzing in] I'm completely bloody sick of this!

Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom-boil!

MIKE: Relax, we can handle this...Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: [pulling out a hand grenade] Achtung! [he drops it on the Footlights team]

MISS MONEY-STERLING: It's not an automatic --

MIKE: Okay, Bambi, let's hear another.

BAMBI: So here goes with the starter for 10. What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?

ANNOUNCER: Scumbag, Mike.

MIKE: Six hundred and four, Toxteth O'Grady, U.S.A.

VYVYAN: I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!

BAMBI: 10 points, Scumbag, and your question: Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?

MIKE: [buzzing in] Toxteth O'Grady.

BAMBI: Correct, 5 points.

VYVYAN: You bum bag!

BAMBI: The world's stupidest bottom-burp?

NEIL: [buzzing in] Rick, Britain!

BAMBI: Correct, 5 points.

RICK: It is not!

BAMBI: And finally, for 5 bonus points to take you into the lead: Who's been tampering with my question cards?

RICK: [buzzing in] It was me! It was me! Damn, damn!

DR CARLISLE: Oh no, this sticky-bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the eclair to the elephant] Here, Jumbo, get that through your esophagus.

ELEPHANT: Very good.

DR CARLISLE: Anyway, as I was saying...

DR CARLISLE: ...I've rather an interesting theory. Have you tried this new high-fiber diet?

ELEPHANT: Yes, I tried that. I lost a ton but I put it straight back on again.

DR NTNN: Look, I understand that many men must have asked of you that which you weren't prepared to give. But I pledge you my word of honor as a gentleman that I would never take that which you didn't offer freely, nor enter where I've been asked to remain outside.

DR CARLISLE: I was thinking, if you were to just dye your hair a wee bit, then you'd look a little bit more like... [the pig squirms away] Yes, I quite agree!