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The Young Ones - Demolition

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1984 --INT: KITCHEN/DRAWING ROOM

DJ: That was a great new version of "The Young Ones"--

RICK: That was brilliant! Shame about Cliff Richard.

NEIL: What about him?

RICK: What?

NEIL: What about Cliff Richard?

RICK: Are you trying to be funny?

NEIL: Um, uh...

RICK: Because if you are, I think it's in pretty poor taste, that's all! I'm not a fridge, you know!

NEIL: Weird, eh? I better get back to the lentil cassarole before I get disorientated.

NEIL: Guess it'll be soon be over for you lentils!

NEIL: Oh wow! This is really amazingly hot! I'd better get it to the table quickly!

NEIL: Oh, no room at all, eh? Heavy! I'll never get it back to the cooker in time now--I'm just gonna have to--

NEIL: Oh no. Bad karma. Again!

NEIL: Guys, there's some dinner on the floor if you want it. If you don't, like, that would also be cool, because I only spent all day cooking it, right, and like, I was the one who got it together to put the lentils on to soak last night, but maybe we should just get a cat, right, and give it to the cat, 'cause it's obvious none of you can be both-- guys? Maybe it'd be cool if I just died, right?

RICK: Well?

NEIL: Well what, Rick?

RICK: Have you decided to apologize for what you said about Cliff Richard?

NEIL: I didn't say anything about Cliff Richard, Rick, I wasn't even--

RICK: Look, I don't want to discuss it! Okay? Ha-- I wouldn't even discuss the color of orange juice with you, Neil. Heh! But I've written a poem and I think perhaps it might help you.

NEIL: It's orange, Rick, and look, I don't want to depress you or anything, but like, you're standing in a huge mound of lentil cassarole.

RICK: "Oh Cliff! / Sometimes it must be difficult not to feel as if / You really are a cliff / When fascists keep trying to push you over it! / Are they the lemmings, or are you Cliff? Or ARE you, Cliff?

NEIL: Yeah. That was really pretty bad, Rick.

RICK: Bad for society when the KIDS start to get into it!

NEIL: I'm gonna kill myself now.

RICK: Pretty angry stuff, right? Let them try and ignore that, right?

RICK: Those clever trousers in the army! And the police, and the government, if they can!

NEIL: I see things much more clearly now! Bye Rick.

RICK: Yes, g'bye.

NEIL: I'll probably come back as a lentil.

RICK: I might even be put in prison! And have water DRIPPED on my head! I might even get a personal message from Cliff!

NEIL: Oh, wow! This is the end, man! Doesn't anybody ever suss out cleaning this oven except me? Aw, w--this is so dirty, man, uncool! I bet you could look inside all the dirty ovens in the world, right, and you can--even the ones at the bottoms of swamps, and you wouldn't find one as dirty as this one.

RICK: Neil! Why don't you listen to me, Neil? Why don't you listen to ME? Y--d'you find me boring or something? Look. Look. That's a saucer. THAT'S boring. Look.

RICK: Pretty different, really, isn't it? It's not really the same thing at all, is it Neil? NEIL!

RICK: I will not be associated with saucers!

MIKE: Hi guys! 6:15, enter Mike the cool person for his dinner. Strolls across the floor, "Hi Neil," he says, looking good and already warming up "Is that supper?"

NEIL: No, no, that's supper over there.

MIKE: Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? Your prints on 'em? I know just how you feel, man, y'dig? Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too. Yeah, there's a lotta heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer in the works.

RICK: I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well. You'd be right. 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over people's heads! A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.

MIKE: I don't think you're an aeroplane, Rick.

RICK: Sycophant!

NEIL: Guys, I really think we ought to get it together maybe to eat something, you know?

RAT #1: Oh zounds! Most I can manage these days is to stuff down a few pages of the Guardian before they're ripped out!

RAT #2: I managed to nibble away at a few lines of Hippolytus the other day, at #32.

RAT #1: Oh, lucky you! Eurypides is my dream poet. {mumbles somtething unintelligible}

RAT #2: Oh, wonderful! This should raise a dry smile, then: Knock knock!

RAT #1: Oh, how wonderful! Who's there?

RAT #2: Eurypides!

RAT #1: Eurypides who?

RAT #2: Eurypides trousers, you-menda-these trousers!

RICK: Augh! A rat!

NEIL: Oh, wow, Rick, man, that's really heavy, man! My grandfather made that guitar entirely out of matchsticks on his deathbed!

RICK: I hate rats! OKAY?

RAT #2: It's what he would have wanted.

NEIL: Eh, look, guys, eh, I'm sorry the meal got a bit uncool, like, floorwise, but it's all right, cause I probably got the dirtiest bit.

RICK: Ha ha ha!

MIKE: Okay, guys, don't do anything unusual. Did a guy with a lisp phone?

RICK: No one phoned you, Mike. Well... we haven't got a telephone.

MIKE: Yeah. I know. But did a guy with a lisp phone?

RICK: No, he didn't.

MIKE: Did he say anything about the bananas?

RICK: Uh... no.

MIKE: I thought you said he didn't phone!

RICK: He didn't!

MIKE: Okay, okay, that's good. But it could have been very bad! Anyway, forget you rever even heard the name.

RICK: Uh... What name?

MIKE: Hey, hey, you're learning! That's good.

NEIL: I've got an uncle called Dustin.

RICK: Neil! Are these lentils South African?

NEIL: Well, um...

RICK: You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Why don't you just go out and become a policeman?! Become a pig? There's no difference, you know!

RICK: Ow, ow, ow! There's no difference, you know! You think there is, but there isn't! I suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie!

NEIL: Listen, listen, just don't bring me down again, all right, Rick?

RICK: Okay, where's my biro? WHERE IS MY BIRO?

MIKE: Here, here, use mine.

RICK: This is my biro!

MIKE: Well, I just saw it lying on your desk, I thought you didn't want it anymore.

RICK: But look at it, it's half empty!

MIKE: It was just lying there, Rick, what's a guy supposed to think?

RICK: Neil! / What are you doing, Neil? / To make a meal, Neil? / Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables! / How much does it cost, Neil?

NEIL: Well actually it's about four pounds fifty, each.

MIKE and RICK: Four pounds fifty??

RICK: I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free! Right on!

MIKE: Neil, when I eat a meal worth four pounds fifty, I'm not paying for it, you got me?

NEIL: Yeah, okay, okay, right, like house meeting, okay? Yeah. Like, I know four pounds fifty is like a hell of a lot of bread to lay out just for a lentil casserole, but I did a lot, right? And it struck me that like, considering what I'm gonna do, tonight, I should do like, thirteen portions.

RICK: Thirteen? What are you doing, starting a football team?

NEIL: No, no, killing myself! Killing myself. This is my last supper, right. I've finished building my gallows, and it's totally far out, you should see it Rick. Like, when the trap door opens, and I, like, die, it lights Joss Sticks and plays "Rock Around The Clock"; it's totally amazing.

RICK: Oh, far out. Really great. WOODSTOCK.

NEIL: Oh, fine, great, yeah. Why don't you sit in the supper, man, yeah.

RICK: Vyvyan, you might have washed ye hands!

VYVYAN: I've been down the morgue!

NEIL: Oh, fine, yeah, great. Let's talk about death, I mean, don't consider my feelings tonight, or anything, really.

VYVYAN: Cutting up bodies for my course, you know.

RICK: None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I've said!

VYVYAN: That's because you're very boring!

RICK: Oh! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too!

VYVYAN: Yes, they are!

RICK: Ha! Fallen into my trap! In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever-trousers? Tell me that!

NEIL: Okay, lads, umm... this is it, okay, I'm going, now, this is the final moment, okay? Right.

VYVYAN: I've got a leg.

MIKE: Hey Vyvyan, that's not unusual.

VYVYAN: No, look. I'm supposed to write an essay on it, right, but... I think I'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!

NEIL: Bye, then!

MIKE: Okay, Vyv, okay, hold back, go previous. Now, the scotch eggs are another story. That's a nice angle on the wall, straight through it, I like your style. Certainly had me fooled. That's only part of the puzzle. Most days you come through the door. Sometimes you even open it. Today you didn't, today you suddenly change your routine, why? Eh? You in trouble, Vyv? You the final sausage in the fridge? Is someone comin' after you with a piece of cling film?

VYVYAN: No... We got a letter from the council! Look, nobody's fed my hamster, have they?

NEIL: Um... Look, I'll see you on the other side, okay, lads? This is really it, I'm going, okay?

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, see you, Neil.

VYVYAN: Yeah, bye, Neil.

NEIL: And um, you can forget about the bread, okay, man?

MIKE: Hey, listen, it's just like going to sleep, okay?

NEIL: But I'm an insomniac, Mike.

MIKE: So what are you worried about?

NEIL: Oh yeah, thanks. Thanks, Mike, bye.

VYVYAN: Look. Nobody's fed Special Patrol Group, have they?

MIKE: Listen, Vyv--this letter: you're sure it wasn't a packing case? Or maybe a tea chest with Zurich stamped on it?

VYVYAN: No, a letter!

RICK: I think "Special Patrol Group" is a stupid name for a hamster!

VYVYAN: Okay, I'll change it, then! Hello, Cliff Richard!

RICK: Bastard!

VYVYAN: Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! Aaaah!

RICK: Oh, thanks a lot, Vyvyan! You know I'm a vegetarian!

MIKE: Vyvyian! I really think you ought to feed that hamster more often!

VYVYAN: Look, I don't want to spoil him, okay?

MIKE: But he looks like Tesco's when the beans are reduced!

VYVYAN: It looks well on him, though, doesn't he?

--INT: BASEMENT

S.P.G.: Whoa! I could murder a curry.

VYVYAN: Poor old Special Patrol Group.

RICK: What's "poor" about him?

VYVYAN: Well, it'll take ten weeks to starve another one.

--INT: KITCHEN/DRAWING ROOM

--INT: NEIL'S ROOM

--INT: KITCHEN/DRAWING ROOM

RICK: Well, let's put the rent up by a third!

--INT: NEIL'S ROOM

NEIL: I really screwed that up, didn't I? I should think I'd look pretty stupid if anyone was watching.

--EXT: OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, THROUGH NEIL'S WINDOW

--INT: TRAIN CAR

WOMAN #1: Oh, look at that! He should have had a shorter rope.

WOMAN #2: It could have done with being a bit shorter.

WOMAN #1: What that lad needs is a good hard--

--EXT: TRAIN

--INT: KITCHEN/DRAWING ROOM

MIKE: I never knew there was so much in it!

MIKE: Hey Vyvyan, I don't want to get specific or anything, but if you knock that wall down, this house is gonna collapse.

VYVYAN: A-ha!

MIKE: And like there's my duvet and my passport collection...!

VYVYAN: We got a letter from the council!

MIKE: Yeah, what letter, clarity, Vyvyan! Elucidate!

BALOWSKI: Hey, everybody! Hello, Mike, my little Thunderbird puppet! Thunderbirds are go, yes? Come on, let's twist again! Like we did in last Summer, yeah, yeah, yeah... let's twist again, like we didn't do in Moscow because I've never been there of course, you know, I am English person! Hi I am Jerzy, yeah, crazy wacky landlord! You know, I like very much your English punk rock stars, you know, your Lulu, your Dave Clark Five! Oh yes! I think they are F-A-B, that's English for "stupid!", yeah! Okay, fantastic! Hey, Mikey, look! Here, I have some Coca-Cola, yes? We have party, yes? Okay, let's dance, let's do the fog! You know, I am liking very much your Harold MacMillan; thanks to him, I am never having it, yeah!

RICK: Mr. Balowski! We have residents rights, you know! You're supposed to knock!

BALOWSKI: Listen, don't you think it's a nice house, here? Is good house, is clean house, Michael Caine and Twiggy, yes? So maybe sometime you would like to pay me some rent, then we go down milk bar for soda pop, you shovel, yes?

MIKE: Listen, Jerzy...

BALOWSKI: Jeremy, actually.

MIKE: Jeremy. Listen, if you're worried about the rent, I've got that sussed. Gentlemen, house meeting, in the hall, two seconds, be there!

BALOWSKI: Listen, I think you are nice good democratic boy, yes? I hope when you marry it's to a Scottish person like Lulu, yes?

--INT: HALL

BALOWSKI: But I am also Scottish, you know!

--INT: DRAWING ROOM

BALOWSKI: I'm not really foreign, you know. I just do it to appear more sophisticated! I mean, nobody'd buy Evian water if it was called Blackburn water, would they? Nobody'd wear Kicker boots if they were made in Scunthorpe! Abba? Abba, Swedish? I knew then when they were a Lancashire clog-dancing trio! Arthur, Betty, Boris and Angela! Solzhenitsyn, Solzhenitsyn--a former pipe-fitter welder from Harrogate}!

BALOWSKI: Back to the actin'.

MIKE: Okay, Jerzy.

BALOWSKI: Yes?

MIKE: About the rent.

BALOWSKI: Yes?

MIKE: Oh, I nearly forgot. These two men wanted to see you.

BALOWSKI: Two men, Morcambe and Wise, yes? Funny comedians with the wigs and the buckets of water, yes?

MIKE: Oh, no, no, no... they said they were with the Moscow Dynamos ice hockey squad, eh? I told 'em I'd never heard of you, said I'd never seen you before.

BALOWSKI: Okay, I say is good--is good joke, yes? Is earthy English humor, yes? Like seaside postcard from Leicester, yes?

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, so. So we'll forget about the rent, we'll pay you another time, is that cool?

BALOWSKI: Yes, that's absolutely icebox! See you later, Ford Anglia!

RICK: I hate him! Do you think he really is British?

VYVYAN: Well he knows a lot about the Mersey sound.

RICK: Shut up! I'm trying to stir my coffee!

VYVYAN: No, listen! We got a letter from the council! They're going to demolish the house tomorrow!

MIKE: But I was going to turn it into an entertainment complex! This room's a roller disco! Hey! I'm depressed! It's Nine Below Zero!

RICK: He's blummin' right, you know!

MIKE: How can they, i.e. the Council, destroy the house of Mike?

VYVYAN: Listen, Michael, there's no need to worry! I've got a plan with which to thwart them!

VYVYAN: Oh God, no sugar!

--INT: LAVATORY

NEIL: Oh wow. A wet bum. Just what I need. Far out.

--INT: KITCHEN

MIKE: Hey, hey, now we're in the same supermarket, and we're not buying peas.

VYVYAN: Look, you agree the council must be thwarted, right?

MIKE: Hey, does this face empty knickers?

VYVYAN: That I don't know. But when the council come to demolish the house tomorrow, Michael, they're going to find it already demolished from within!

MIKE: Okay, step back, recoil, go previous! I want to study the angles, and hey, I'm not talking about fishing. Give me the letter.

VYVYAN: The letter, yeah. With pleasure.

--INT: NEIGHBOR'S FLAT

RICK: Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: What?

RICK: This isn't our house!

VYVYAN: Well who's is it, then?

RICK: Somebody else's!

VYVYAN: Look! Look, when they get back, tell them I'm incredibly sorry!

WOMAN: Well, old man...

MAN: Woods. And the darkness... and the howling wind! Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever!

WOMAN: We begin the night Uncle Volva died... on the night {something unintelligible}

MAN: If only we were deaf! Do you remember when this very room was filled with light and laughter and young people? How we laughed! Ha-ha! He-he!

WOMAN: Was the food richer then? Or have we just forgotten?

MAN: It was... sort of crunchy. The woods. And the darkness... and the howling wind! Will the snows never cease? They seem to reach back forever!

RICK: Could you be quiet, please! I'm trying to watch my favorite program!

--INT: DRAWING ROOM

RICK: Will you stop it, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: Listen! If we don't smash the house up, the council are gonna demolish it, tomorrow!

MIKE: He's right, you know. They're gonna knock the house down tomorrow.

RICK: That's all very well! But finally, after years of stagnation, the TV people have woken up to the need for locally-based minority programs! Made by amateurs! And perhaps of interest only to two or three people! It's important, right? It's now! And I want to watch!

--INT: STAIRWAY

--INT: LAVATORY

NEIL: Wet feet. Nice one, Vyvyan.

VYVYAN: I thought you were dead.

NEIL: Well that's no reason to hassle me on the toilet!

VYVYAN: The council are gonna knock the house down!

--INT: DRAWING ROOM

RICK: Ssshhh! Shhhhhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhhhhh! Shhh-shhh!

VOICE FROM TV: And now, let's check some action here on 2, with a new program for young adults! "Nozin' Aroun'!"

--TITLE SLATE: "NOZIN' AROUN'"

THEME MUSIC VOCALIST: "Nozin' Aroun', Nozin' Aroun'! Nozin' Aroun', Nozin' Aroun'! Nozin' Aroun', Nozin' Aroun'! Nozin' Aroun', Nozin' Aroun'!"

--INT: STUDIO/DANCE FLOOR

BAZ: Hi! My name's Baz! And me and my mates thought that TV just wasn't now! Right? I expect, like us, you're not into all that stuff your "old man's" into! Right! So! We just thought we'd have a program for us! Right! And this is it! Nozin' Around! Yeah, N-O-Zed! Zed for Zap! It's a program for young adults, made by young adults, and concentratin' on all the subjects that young adults are into! Like, unemployment! Maggie!

MAGGIE: Hey, yeah! Really great! And now, I'm gonna be looking at what it's like to be a young unemployed adult! Because--more young adults are becoming unemployed on account of they can't find work! Basically, the problem is this: if you haven't got a job, then you outta work! And that means only one thing-- unemployment!

BAZ: Heh heh! Yeah, got you back! Heh heh! All right! Yeah! So! Thanks a lot, Maggie! Worth listening to! After, all, it's our world too! Kids! Right! Right!

--INT: CATWALK ABOVE DANCE FLOOR

MAGGIE: Really great! Hi! Well I'm standing up here on this scaffolding because that's what this program is all about! Shock! Yeah! Right! Okay!

--INT: STUDIO/DANCE FLOOR

BAZ: Okay! Thanks a lot there, Maggie! Right! But now it's time to have a bit of a natter with our very special guest, Roland Percival, who's careers officer at East London College! Rol! Gettin' down?

ROLAND: Right down, thank you!

BAZ: Rol!

ROLAND: Yes?

BAZ: Rol! A lot of my mates say to me, "Oh Baz, what is the point?" What would you say to them?

ROLAND: Well, surely, Baz, your mates must realize that there definitely is a point!

BAZ: So! A real message of hope and good cheer, there! From Roland, a really ace guy! Drop in and see him for a chat at the Poly!

ROLAND: But that doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot!

BAZ: Ahahaha! If you're on the dole, go and see Rol!

ROLAND: Oh, I should stress that you do have to have a degree...

BAZ: Yes, right! Okay! Thanks a lot there, Rol! Now! It's the part of the program where you--yeah, you the viewers--get a chance to put your ideas and opinions! New concept, right? Our world too! So! 'Ere we go with: Street Level!

--TITLE SLATE: "STREET LEVEL"

--EXT: STREET

TEENAGER #1: I'm sixteen, I'm old enough to marry and have children, but I can't drink in pubs. When will the government wake up and realize that young adults are mature and responsible people?

--EXT: STREET

TEENAGER #2: I'm sixteen, right? I can join the Army, the Air Force and the Navy... but I can't drink in pubs. When will the government, right, realize that young adults have a valued contribution to give to society?

--EXT: STREET

TEENAGER #3: A lot of people say that young adults are violent, right? But how would you feel if you were old enough to have... intercourse with the partner of your choice... and yet you could not drink in pubs?

--INT: STUDIO/DANCE FLOOR

BAZ: There you go! That's the problem! What do you with an evening if you're a young adult and yet you can't go drinking in pubs?

--INT: DRAWING ROOM

BAZ: Now what I think is if the kids are united, we will never be divided!

RICK: Did you see that? Did you? "The voice of youth"! They're still wearing flared trousers! Why don't you try a bit of poetry, you hippies!

MIKE: Rick, Rick, the council are gonna knock the house tomorrow!

RICK: Yes, yes, yes, yes--so you keep saying! But they'll never do it! This is a student residence! A seat of learning?

MIKE: The council have okay'd it, babes, okay?

RICK: Oh, right on! Right on! Typical! Human beings are the last consideration! Take a street, any street, an English street, filled with life, and hope, and poetry--

MIKE: Not the whole street, just us! It says we're a health hazard.

RICK: But I live in the launderette!

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's okay. It's okay, because... because the letter is signed, "T. Smith, Miss." See? You see, "T. Smith, Miss"?

RICK: Yes, yes, yes.

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, I even believe it's perfumed. Dust off the duvet, lads. I'll handle this.

RICK: I'll handle this.

--INT: STAIRWAY

VYVYAN: I'll handle this!

--INT: LAVATORY

NEIL: I can't handle this. When they come, I'm going to hide in the wall cavity and pretend to be thermal insulation! And then when they knock the wall down: boom-shanka!

--EXT: THE STREET OUTSIDE Caption: MEANWHILE, THE NEXT DAY

RICK: "House! / House! / House! / O, you're made of stone! / But you're not a lone- / -ly house! / I am here!" "I've got myself a walking, talking, living, walking, living doll!"

WOMAN: Excuse me!

RICK: If you're looking for the house that's going to be demolished, it isn't this one! I think it's the one on the other side of town!

WOMAN: Excuse me!

VYVYAN: Another half-hour, just a little more time, okay?

VYVYAN: Some of these bricks explode! That's good, innit?

WOMAN: Excuse me.

RICK: I mean, why don't you just go and live in Iran, right? Or Russia?

NEIL: Listen everybody, I've, uh, stewed up some lentils and some seaweed as a sort of a last positive action. Hey Rick, man, what are you doing with my cruicifix, man?

RICK: I'm protesting!

NEIL: Yeah but I really think I should lay this one on you, man, that's a really negative way to kill yourself, you know, like, I've tried it, hundreds of times. There's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

WOMAN: Excuse me, are you the lease owner for these premises?

NEIL: Oh, uh... I'm being hassled in the street by a chick! She's making me paranoid, man!

RICK: Stop making him paranoid, you slag!

MIKE: Hiya, baby.

NEIL: Maybe just once I'd like to keep the lentils off the floor.

MIKE: So who turns on your bulb in the wee small hours?

WOMAN: I'm sorry?

MIKE: If the world's an egg, Border collie, then this kid's the lion, stamped on the side.

WOMAN: Thank you, now what I really need is your rent book.

MIKE: You know the French for duvet? I'm talking a hundred-percent cotton. Mmmm! I'd like to find your duckdown stuck to the soap.

WOMAN: Uh, that's enough. Now what I really want is--

MIKE: Open-mouth surgery? Feel my scalpel. You ever done it on a beanbag? Baby, I do it inside beanbags!

WOMAN: All right.

VYVYAN: Don't worry lads! These bastards won't get away with this!

NEIL: Yeah, come on, man, you'd be doing me a favor.

RICK: Oh, right on!

--EXT: PLANE FLYING OVERHEAD

--INT: PLANE COCKPIT

PILOT #1: Oh wow, I really hope we don't have a crash.

PILOT #2: Me too.

PILOT #1: But they say it's safer than crossing the road!

PILOT #2: Yes, but we have to do that too.

PILOT #1: Best not to think about it.

--EXT: OUTSIDE HOUSE

RICK: Oh no! That plane is going to crash on us!