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The Young Ones - Interesting

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1984

[Shot of house exterior]

Scene 1 - The Kitchen

[Neil is staggering about carrying a television, and Rick is panicking]

RICK: Come on, Neil, come on. Stick it up on top of the fridge. Michael will be here any minute. No wrong direction! Up on the top, up on the top! Quickly, quickly. Here - fridge.

[The back falls off the television set]

Oh terrific.

NEIL: The back's come off.

RICK: Yes, I noticed, yes. That's Michael's television you know.

[Neil puts T.V. on top of the fridge and picks up the back from the floor. Mike enters the room. While he is looking the other way, Neil and Rick turn the TV round so that the broken back is facing the wall. When Mike looks back, they smile, and indicate the room and the dip in a saucepan on the table.]

RICK: Well, what do you think, Mike? Pretty tidy eh? Not a bad job seeing as how it took sixteen hours continuous hard-labour without a break and without much help from certain people who shall remain nameless i.e. Vyvyan and Neil.

NEIL: I resent that.

RICK: Oh shut up, Neil. You never stop talking do you. That's what's got in the way of all the work this afternoon.

MIKE: All right, all right, all right. It's not bad. Not bad at all.

[He's about to sit down when he notices something on the carpet] Ah ah - what's that on the carpet?

RICK: [Whispering to Neil] Vyvyan, Vyvyan

NEIL: Yer, that's Vyvyan's job. That and making the punch. He said, like, he's only got two jobs because he hasn't got many friends, you know.

MIKE: What are you talking about? He's got loads of friends.

NEIL: Yer, but apparently... he doesn't like any of them

[All three sit on the sofa in the lounge]

RICK: Is that why you haven't done anything all afternoon, Neil, because you haven't got any friends either?

NEIL: That's not true. You know I've got a friend

RICK: Oh really?

NEIL: Yer really, and actually he's gonna be here very very soon.

MIKE: He'd better hurry up if he doesn't want to miss the party. We're talking about fifteen minutes and counting.

RICK: Fifteen minutes? Look, that was Vyvyan's job. We're never going to be ready in time.

[Vyvyan enters, pushing a vacuum cleaner]

VYVYAN: I'm right here. I thought the vacuum cleaner looked a bit on the tentative side so I souped it up a bit.

[Vyvyan plugs the vacuum into the wall socket]

MIKE: That's very good, Vyvyan. Although it could be very bad

VYVYAN: Depends how you look at it, I suppose. Not so good if you're a bit of dirt. But then, who is? Shall I do it, then?

MIKE: That should seem to be the only reasonable course

[Vyvyan starts the vacuum cleaner. It sucks up the carpet and pulls up some floorboards.]

VYVYAN: That's absolutely brilliant! You can't get any cleaner than that!

MIKE: You've destroyed a large section of the floor

VYVYAN: Cleaned it, Michael, cleaned it.

MIKE: We quibble over terms. Surficive to say that is one hell of a sucker, [to camera] and I don't mean it's easily fooled.

VYVYAN: Yer, it certainly can suck

[Vyvyan turns it on again and it zooms out of the front window]

NEIL: Stop it, Vyvyan, stop it

VYVYAN: [Looking out of window] It seems to have stopped already. The bag must be full. [Vyvyan pulls the vacuum back inside] Thought so. I'd better empty it

[Vyvyan cuts open bag, and a Hippie climbs out]

NEIL: Oh, Wow! Neil! Nice one man. I haven't seen you since Glastonbury. How are you, man?

HIPPIE: Well I've just been sucked up by a runaway vacuum cleaner and then someone tried to knife me, but apart from that, really terrible, actually.

NEIL: Bummer

[Hippie tastes the dip from the saucepan on the table in the kitchen]

HIPPIE: Yer, big bummer - haven't you got any decent food? [sits down]

RICK: [Very angry] Neil, who is this? What is it doing?

NEIL: Oh, well, Rick, this is Neil, Rick, Rick, Neil. Please, don't bring him down.

RICK: It's a hippie, isn't it. Tell it to get out. This isn't a Youth Hostel, you know.

HIPPIE: Neil, my barely adequate psychic defences are crumbling.

RICK: Look, just tell it to get out for Heaven's sake.

HIPPIE: This is worse than my birthday!

[Pan across to the fridge, which opens, revealing some talking fruit and vegetables.]

FLORA: You looking for me?

TIN CAN: Hey big boy! Are you looking for some action?

ONION: A dime for a coffee would save my life.

CABBAGE: Wanna drink with me? It helps you for...forget

TOMATO: [Singing in blues style] I've been picked up by the cops,
So many times gone by
The grill you for an hour, And they say you're gonna fry
I've been skinned alive and purified, and cut up with a knife
I just got to ketchup with my life

[Rick pushes Hippie into the fridge and shuts the door on him]

CAPTION: [The BBC would like to warn all small children that pushing people inside old fridges is a bloody stupid thing to do.]

NEIL: Where is he?

RICK: He's probably gone off down the shop to get some decent food

NEIL: You've vaporised my friend haven't you.

RICK: No, I haven't

Scene 2 - the Lounge

[Cut to Vyvyan and Mike's conversation in the lounge]

MIKE: Vyvyan, that is the domestic equivalent of a black hole. You are not to use it.

VYVYAN: Yes, but Mike...

MIKE: You are not to use it.

VYVYAN: Poof

[Mike unplugs the vacuum cleaner at the wall, then goes upstairs.]

PLUG: How was it for you, darling?

SOCKET: Electric

Scene 3 - The Lounge

[Cuts to Rick and Neil in the front room. Rick is eating some cornflakes out of a bowl and Neil is tidying up by picking up a floorboard that the vacuum cleaner pulled up]

NEIL: Don't eat all the Corn flakes, Rick. There's only one each.

RICK: You haven't even started making the lentil nibbles

NEIL: Yer, look, about that, Rick. You I only mentioned the idea, you know, in Embryo, but I could only get wooden cocktail sticks and I didn't think it was fair that all those trees should die just for our party.

RICK: Oh, I suppose that it's okey-dokey for a few hundred students to die of starvation just because you couldn't be bothered to do your share, Neil.

NEIL: There's plenty of henna dip, Rick [Picks up and stirs saucepan contents in the kitchen]

[Door bell]

RICK: It's only twenty past seven. I don't know anyone that unfashionable.

NEIL: Well it's not one of my friends because, er, he's here, somewhere

[Doorbell]

RICK: Oh, Christmas trees. Well if it's one of Vyvyan's medical student friends, I'm just going to show then the door.

NEIL: Well, I should think they could see it already, Rick

[Rick goes to door then comes back]

RICK: Oh ha ha ha, Neil. Big bloody joke.

[Rick opens door, and a Christian is at the door]

CHRISTIAN: Oh, hello. I come from God, and he says... [Rick tries to close the door on her] Let me in!! [She pushes the door back with Rick behind it and barges in. Rick nurses his shoulder] It's a miracle! Just a minute ago I was a useless cripple, but now I can run and dance and skip.

RICK: Look, what do you want?

CHRISTIAN: I come from the Ark angel Gabriel, yes, he with the wings of driven snow and eyes of flame, I bring good news for mankind...

RICK: I think you've got the wrong house - you see, I don't believe in God.

CHRISTIAN: How do you know his name then, smart arse. [Grabs Rick's groin and squeezes hard. He doubles over in pain] [To studio audience] Repent, repent. Everyone repent. Accept Jesus. I don't mean everyone except Jesus repent. I mean accept Jesus into your life. [To Neil] Have you said yes, hippie?

NEIL: Well, I do a lot of yoga.

CHRISTIAN:Come, brother, let us pray together.

[Christian slams Neil down and pins him to the floor. He struggles free and crawls away, and sits on the floor leaning against a cupboard]

RICK: Look, do you mind going. I mean I suspect if we wanted you to come in then we would have said something like - "Hi, Christian, come in". But we didn't, did we, so why don't you take a running jump with yourself in a lake.

CHRISTIAN: No thank you. I'm going to sit here until we've all been saved.

[Christian sits in the henna dip. She gets very angry]

NEIL: Oh no!

RICK: Don't look at me. I'm an agnostic!

CHRISTIAN: Repent, repent, for the day of judgement is nigh! [Starts to smash up the place]

[Mike comes downstairs, dressed as Adam Ant as in the video of "Stand and Deliver" or "Prince Charming"]

MIKE: Day of judgement? Why, do I get a prize?

CHRISTIAN: Ah! A locust!

MIKE: No, I'm supposed to be an Ant

CHRISTIAN: Repent, repent!

MIKE: All right. Now, why don't you, and me and the Holy Ghost go upstairs for a closer look at those understays, eh?

[Christian pins Mike to the sofa and knees him several times in the groin]

[Vyvyan comes downstairs]

VYVYAN: This should get things going [Drinks his green potion and all his hair falls out, accompanied by the noise of thunder]

CHRISTIAN: Behold the beast

VYVYAN: Hello

CHRISTIAN: Now is the worrying time

NEIL: Yes it is rather

CHRISTIAN: Woh

NEIL: Woh

CHRISTIAN: Woh

NEIL: Woh!

CHRISTIAN: Behold Armageddon, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Scene 4 - A Hill

[Cuts to scene with 4 men on horses on a hill with a single tree nearby]

CHRISTIAN: [V.O] Famine, Pestilence, Death... and the other one

PESTILENCE: [Neigh] Is that a seagull? Tell me, is that seagull a seagull?

FAMINE: No, Pestilence, it's a dog.

PESTILENCE: A flying dog?

OTHER: Flying, er Catapult

PESTILENCE: A flying catapult?

FAMINE: I'm famished.

PESTILENCE: So what's new?

OTHER: Microchip technology

PESTILENCE: What?

OTHER: Microchip technology - that's quite a new thing, isn't it?

PESTILENCE: There's nothing so boring as waiting for the apocalypse

OTHER: Well, except for that film.

PESTILENCE: What film?

OTHER: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

PESTILENCE: Oh God, I'm bored. God, I am bored. [God makes a travel Scrabble appear in his hand] Fancy a game of Travel Scrabble?

FAMINE: No, just put it over there with the others on the pile [Pestilence throws it onto a large pile of Travel Scrabbles]

PESTILENCE: Sometimes God can be so unimaginative.

FAMINE: Well, he's worried about his son, isn't he?

PESTILENCE: What?

FAMINE: He's a born-again Christian.

OTHER: [To Death] Want a game of Travel Scrabble, Death? Death? Want a game of Travel Scrabble? [Pushes Death and he falls off his horse] He's dead!

FAMINE: I'll be dead soon if I don't get something to eat. How about a bloody sandwich? [A sandwich appears in his hand] See this? [Throws sandwich in front of him]

Scene 5 - The Kitchen

CHRISTIAN: I beheld a medium sized group of people running around madly, waving their hands and shrieking: ‘Twelve score oxen have spent over a year in the same field...' [Giant sandwich falls and squashes Christian]

[Rick and Neil stand up]

RICK: Well that's just typical. Five minutes to go to the most important party of my life and half the house has been wrecked by a gigantic sandwich.

NEIL: Well at least it means there will be something to eat now. [Looks to find out the filing of the sandwich] Ugh! [jumps back]

RICK: What?

NEIL: It's meat.

RICK: Listen, Neil. You'd better clean all this up before the first guests arrive or you're in ter-rouble. [Door bell rings]

You're in ter-rouble. [Rick answers door] Who the bloody hell are you?

MAN GUEST: Oh, hello, Rick. We're, er, here for the party.

RICK: Well, it's a bit early, isn't it? It's not supposed to start for another five minutes. I distinctly remember telling you seven-thirty. Are you calling me a liar?

WOMAN GUEST: We could go to the pub.

RICK: Oh, you can go to the pub can you? Oh that's all right, yes go on. Piss off to the pub. I just thought you were my friends, that's all.

MAN: Now, look, Rick. It's only five minutes.

RICK: Only five minutes? Tell that to Roger Bannister.

GUEST: [To stair bannister] Roger, it's only five minutes.

STAIR BANNISTER: Oh really? How interesting.

[Man and woman guests come in]

[Doorbell - Rick answers it]

GIRLS: Hello. Is Mike here?

RICK: Yes, Mike is a member of this commune, yes.

GIRLS: Great

RICK: Well, you might as well come in, then. Make yourselves at bloody home.

[Girls go into kitchen]

GIRL 1: It's a bit smelly in here, isn't it?

GIRL 2: Yeah, it smells like a Gents.

GIRL 1: A gent's what?

RICK: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you mind just sitting over there until the party's ready.

[Neil indicates that they should sit on the sandwich]

GIRL 1: Italian chair designers are so uncompromising, these days.

GIRL 2: Yeah, it looks like a sandwich

[Man guest starts to open a bottle of wine]

RICK: What on earth do you think you're doing?

MAN: I'm, er...

RICK: Look, just put that down! There's only three minutes to go. Are you an alcoholic or something? God! Anyone would think this place was a refugee camp!

[Doorbell rings]

Lordy, lordy. Just stay there, right. Don't anybody move [Goes to answer door].

[Vyvyan comes down stairs carrying a bottle of beer]

VYVYAN: Hi, girls.

[Opens the bottle with his teeth]

Didn't hurt at all. Do you want to see how many press-ups I can do? [Starts to do press-ups in front of the girls.]

RICK: [Struggling to open the door] Oh, for Christ's sake.

[Opens door - It is Rick's sociology lecturer]

Oh, Hello Doctor Morrisson. I didn't think you could make it. I'm glad [Hands Rick a bottle of wine] - Oh thanks. I'm glad you did though, I've been meaning to talk to you about Trotsky. Look, I've got some trousers like the ones you've got. They're great, aren't they?

DOCTOR: Yeah. [Looking bored]

RICK: Oh, look at me being stupid. Hi, come in. How are you? How did you get here?

DOCTOR: I came in my car.

RICK: [Sincerely] Amazing. Do you know everyone? Erm, can I get you a drink, please?

DOCTOR: Yeah, bitter beer.

RICK: Bitter beer. Small cup?

DOCTOR: Hello, girls. Hi, Sue. Hi! Jim Morrisson - Sociology. [Stands over Vyvyan, still doing press ups.]

Hey, nobody's drinking!

WOMAN: Yeah, well we'd like to, but the party hasn't actually started yet.

DOCTOR: Rick, has the party not started yet?

RICK: Yes - yes, of course it has.

[Hides bottle of wine behind the bread board in the kitchen]

I don't know what the matter is with you lot. One minute you don't want a drink, and the next minute you do. You're all completely potty!

[Rick gives the man a half-size can of lager and three plastic cups]

Here, get stuck into that lot! Oh well. That's my flatmate, Vyvyan

[indicates Vyvyan, who is still doing press ups]

Hi Vyvyan. What are you doing?

VYVYAN: Shut up, you girl.

RICK: Ha ha ha. He's incredible. I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television, and it was a programme we wanted to watch, you know, and then we were just watching it, and right in the middle of it, I just got up and turned it off. Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or something. You know, last Wednesday we stayed up until one o'clock in the morning!

[Sees he is getting no reaction]

OK, pop music - lets go! Anyone here like the Human League? OK!

[Holds up record of "Dare" by the Human League. Rick puts the record on and starts dancing to The Things That Dreams Are Made Of]

[Police burst in through the front door and smash up the record player]

POLICEMAN: Right, the music's too loud. The neighbours have been complaining. You just watch your step, sonny.

[Police leave]

MAN GUEST: Phew!

WOMAN GUEST: Pigs, right?

GIRL #1: Heavy

RICK: Fascists

VYVYAN: Yer, I'd really like to join the police

RICK: Shut up, Vyvyan. [Pause, Rick sits down on sandwich] Er, anyone got a straight?

WOMAN GUEST: What?

RICK: [Covering] Er, a cigarette

WOMAN GUEST: Yeah, sure.

RICK: Oh what a great bag! [Grabs her hand bag] Oh, it's really great, isn't it? In here, are they? Oh, it's tinted - amazing! You've bought me a present. [Brings out an applicator tampon] What is it? What do you do with it? No, don't tell me, don't tell me. I'll guess. [Opens it] It's a telescope - a telescope with a mouse in it - brilliant! Bouncy bouncy bouncy bounce! Hello Rhiannon. Are you glad you could come to the party? Here, have a drink, mousy. Bouncy bouncy bounce! [Dips it in Rhiannon's drink] Oh, it's gone all big. I'll get a tissue, it's all right. Oh, you've got a whole box of them in here! They're called... [Look of realisation and horror] I think I'd better go to the lavatory. [Rick rushes off upstairs.]

[Close up on clock with the hands whizzing round really fast until it gets to 11:55]

WOMAN GUEST: Is that the time?

VYVYAN: No. The clock's broken. The hands keep whizzing round really fast. It's only really half past seven.

[Mike comes downstairs]

GIRLS: Hi, Mike!

MIKE: Not, yet, but I soon will be. [No reaction, and makes a small raspberry sound at the camera]

DOCTOR: Well, I must say, student parties are not what they used to be.

[Neil opens the fridge door, and Neil's friend falls out of it]

HIPPIE: Wow. This is so uncool!

DOCTOR: Wow! What is this stuff? Tobacco or, Pink Floyd?

NEIL: Cryogenics - nice one, man! Lets see if it really works! [Lights match]

[Door bell]

NEIL: Oh, is that the front door?

MIKE: No, Neil, the front door's in the hall.

NEIL: [Goes to light Hippie with match] Well hadn't someone better go and answer it, then?

MIKE: I'll go and see what the question is [laughs] Go and see what the question is! That's marvellous!

Scene 6 - The Doorstep

[Mike answers door, and it is Tommy Balowski]

BALOWSKI: [Completely drunk, belches] All right, mate. Sorry I ain't got no drink. I did have some but I drank it all in the off licence

MIKE: Tommy Balowski. Look, I told your cousin Jerzei and now I'm telling you. If I want trouble I'll phone the police. Get lost!

BALOWSKI: I am lost, that's why I'm here. Here, there's no chance of using your toilet, is there?

MIKE: No

BALOWSKI: I thought not. That's why I pissed in your garden.

MIKE: Go away

BALOWSKI: You know me

MIKE: Oh yeah.

BALOWSKI: Who am I?

MIKE: You're you!

BALOWSKI: That's right. You wanna make something of it?

MIKE: I don't, but if you want a fight, Neil's in the lounge.

BALOWSKI: You threatening me?

MIKE: You looking for teeth in a basket?

BALOWSKI: Yeah.

MIKE: Well, there you are! [gives Balowski some false teeth in a small basket]

BALOWSKI: Cheers, mate. I've been looking for them all night. [Starts to eat a pair of the false teeth. Balowski goes inside]

[Mike notices a horse and carriage coming round the corner. It pulls up, and a princess comes out, and goes up to Mike]

PRINCESS: Hello. I'm looking for my prince

MIKE: Well, maybe, they are upstairs with my etchings, my darling. Please, this way!

Scene 7 - The Lounge

RICK: [Very angry] Look, Neil. Look, everybody. This is supposed to be a party. So for flip's sake, START HAVING FUN!

WOMAN GUEST: Since the pigs smashed up the hi-fi, we've got no music.

RICK: No music, my braces! What about Rip, Rig and Panic?

[Rip Rig and Panic sing in the kitchen]

[End of song, Vyvyan is on the phone.]

VYVYAN: Yeah... I see... [Puts phone down] The pub's just closed, so the rest of the guests should be along any moment now.

[Door bursts open, and everyone bundles in]

[Rick is talking at the bottom of the stairs to Anarchist, who is spraying "Smash the State" on the wall]

RICK: Hi, Fisher. What do you want to know? Better be ready for some pretty angry vibes! [Man sprays orange paint in Rick's face, across his mouth]

ANARCHIST: Political activist, eh? Ah, what's the last thing you blew up?

RICK: Well, I blew up a rubber johnny actually in the union bar. It was hilarious - everybody thought so.

[Anarchist puts his arm round Rick's shoulders]

ANARCHIST: Yeah. Look, next Tuesday, I'm gonna blow up a Panda in Croydon.

RICK: Yer, right on. Bloody zoos, who needs them?

ANARCHIST: No, a police car, you terminal wally!

RICK: [Nervously] Oh, the - the pigs?

ANARCHIST: Bastards

RICK: Yeah [Snort] Especially the few bad apples that spoil their otherwise spotless image.

ANARCHIST: Yer, if pigs could fly, Scotland Yard would be London's third airport! [He laughs, Rick looks confused]

I've got everything ready. All I need is a plan, a bomb and a dedicated and ruthless accomplice. Are you in? [Pours his drink over Rick's shoulder]

RICK: Er, you spilt your drink!

ANARCHIST: Yeah, I know. I was getting bored.

RICK: Shall I get you another one? Cinzano?

BALOWSKI: [To Neil] All right, mate, all right. I'll tell you something. I've got war tatooed on this hand, and I've got peace tattooed on this hand, [Neil makes peace sign] and I've got the brothers Karazomov tattooed down me spine. Except you can't see that ‘cause I've got me shirt on.

NEIL: Isn't it painful?

BALOWSKI: No, it's polyester and cotton.

NEIL: No, I mean having tattoos?

BALOWSKI: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, God bless you, nah. It's not painful. It's just like having red hot needles under your skin.

NEIL: I once wrote the shopping list on the back of my hand. you know, it was, like, a really stupid thing to do.

BALOWSKI: Why's that?

NEIL: It was half day closing.

BALOWSKI: Are you a virgin?

NEIL: [Panicking] No, no!

BALOWSKI: I'm not really asking. I'm using it as a sort of general term of abuse, you see. Do you want your face flattened?

NEIL: Hi, Warlock.

WARLOCK: Yer mate, get your lips round this baby.

NEIL: Yer right. Oh thanks man. [Doorbell] Oh, yeah, that's the front door. I'll just - I'll catch up with you in a minute, all right?

BALOWSKI: I'll be looking for you, all right, eh?

NEIL: [To camera, worried] Oh no, what if it's the pigs? I'll just have to... [gathers cigarette into his mouth]

Scene 8 - The Doorstep

GATECRASHER #1: All right? I'm, er, quite friendly with Norman. No, not Norman. What's his name? Yeah, Dave, that's it. No, no, Keith. Mate of..... More than a friend, actually. I'm his brother.

GATECRASHER #2: Oh, yeah, I'm his brother too - we was in a car crash together. You don't know a Chopper Chan, do you? No not Chopper.......... I'm his dad.

GATECRASHER #1: Yer, I'm his dad too

GATECRASHER # 2: We're his dad's cousins.

GATECRASHER #1: Cousins of who? What do you call that? See you later then. Must be losing my touch. I don't think we're gonna get in. I think it's a hippie. We'll try something else, yeah.

GATECRASHER #2: Right You gonna let us in, or do I have to call you an ambulance? [Steps back quickly]

[Neil billows smoke and goes back inside, closing the door on the gatecrashers. He sits on the floor oposite Warlock]

Scene 9 - The Lounge

WARLOCK: Have a bag of this number, mate

[Neil smokes it, and takes off. He goes into orbit]

Scene 10 - In Orbit

GATECRASHER #1: Did you see that?

SPACEMAN #1: Major Tom. You know, I just thought - it's like that song by David Bowie.

SPACEMAN #2: What, er, The Jean Genie?

SPACEMAN #1: Yeah, that's right. Hey, look. The planet Earth is blue and there's nothing we can do.

ALIEN #1: [Talks in alien language - Caption says:] Oh no! Got any dynamite?

ALIEN #2: [Caption] Sure have [Gets the dynamite out. There is an explosion. Neil doesn't notice]

ALIEN #1: [Caption] Hey, that hippie must be really out of it

BOTH: [Caption] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

[Neil returns to Earth]

Scene 11 - The Lounge

WARLOCK: Nice trip, mate?

Scene 12 - The Roof

[Cuts to the gatecrashers on the roof, trying to enter the house through to chimney]

GATECRASHER #1: Go on, then, get down there. What's the matter with you, are you scared, or something?

GATECRASHER #2: I ain't afraid of nothing. There's something down here already.

SWEEP: Cor, thanks Guv. I've been stuck down here since the late nineteenth century.

GATECRASHER #1: My name's Phillip, and this is Torquil.

GATECRASHER #2: Yeah, we was just looking for my tie pin which an eagle swept down and stole while I was asleep.

SWEEP: Santa, I'm free!

GATECRASHER #1: You what? Don't give us that Santa Claus routine, son. Stroll on. Look, we've known for some considerable time, now, that there is no such thing as Santa Claus. [Gatecrasher #2 looks confused] Yeah, I'll tell you later.

SWEEP: Not for the past 100 years there hasn't - he's been stuck down here!

GATECRASHER #1: I'm getting well miffed with you

GATECRASHER #2: Yeah, You gonna get off this roof, or do I have to go down and open the medicine cupboard?

SWEEP: You can't treat me like this! I'm a well respected fictional character!

Scene 13 - Mike's Bedroom

[Cut to Mike's bedroom. He and the princess are lying on his bed]

MIKE: That's an expensive looking dress you've got there, doll!

PRINCESS: Thank you very much. It was a present actually from my grandmother.

MIKE: So, would you like me to put my hand down the front of your dress?

PRINCESS: No thank you. I really ought to be going. My step-sisters will be wondering where I am

MIKE: Oh, no. Don't go yet. Stay for another drink - it's only just midnight

PRINCESS: What? [She turns into a pumpkin while Mike is preparing a drink for her]

Scene 14 - Downstairs

[Cut to downstairs, by the telephone]

PUNK #1: That's nothing. I kissed two girls on the lips last week

PUNK #2: Lying toerag.

PUNK #1: Eh?

PUNK #2: Why aren't you pregnant, then?

PUNK #1: I might be. But I don't care if I am. I don't care if I live or die, mate.

PUNK #3: Had this friend, right, and he killed himself for the insurance money.

PUNK #1: How much did he make?

PUNK #3: Nothing - only third party.

[Vyvyan comes downstairs]

VYVYAN: I've just been wrecking the bathroom

PUNK #1: Terriffic

PUNK #3: But it's your house, Vyv

VYVYAN: Yeah, but it's a party, init?

PUNK #1,2 & 3: Yer!

COLIN: [To Balowski] Oh hi! I'm Colin and I'm from the entertainment commitee and I was wondering...

BALOWSKI: Hello mate. hello, all right, mate.

COLIN: Are you all right?

BALOWSKI: It's you and me against the world, mate, eh, all right? We'll get them, mate yer. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here - I'll tell you something, right, I'll tell you something. Between you and me, I think I'm gonna be sick [Does so]

PUNK #2: Hey, I've had a great idea. Why don't we set off all the fire extingushers

PUNKS #2,3 and VYVYAN: Yeah!

[All rush off]

VYVYAN: No wait. No, back back! We haven't got any fire extinguishers.

PUNKS: Oh.

COLIN: Hi, I'm Colin, from Ent. and I've been appointed by the social sector as joke compiler for this year's rag mag. Do you know any good jokes?

VYVYAN: Yeah, here's a good one. [Hits Colin] You and you, put him in that stretcher, there and put his feet in the fire. You bring me my surgical kit. I've just thought of a great new party game! Dissection! [Puts Colin on a stretcher] You stay there. Scalpel... [Someone stabs a scalpel into Vyvyan's hand] Aaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

GATECRASHER #2: What?

SWEEP: Bloody Students!

GATECRASHER #1: Help

SANTA: Hhhhhhhhooooooo

[Santa falls down chimney onto plank. It acts as a see saw, and projects Vyvyan, on the other end of it, and his head goes through the ceiling into Mike's bedroom]

Scene 15 - Mike's Bedroom

VYVYAN: Help, help!

GATECRASHER #1: Oh, I'm stuck! [He is hanging upside down out side Mike's window, looking in]

VYVYAN: Get me an asprin!

MIKE: You haven't seen my new girlfriend, have you? You know, the one with the expensive dress? I've made her present. [Reveals a carefully hollowed-out pumpkin]

Scene 16 - Downstairs

[Cut to downstairs]

RICK: [To camera] I don't know. We're so decadent!

SANTA: Ho di ho! Ho di ho!

WOMAN GUEST: Fascist

RICK: That'll be the neighbours. Shut up, you old witch!

[Cut to next door, where a witch is banging on the wall tith the end of her broomstick. The broom stick goes throught the wall into Punk # 1's ear. He thinks that it was Neil who did it]

PUNK #1 : Er, Oh dear oh dear

NEIL: Is something the matter?

PUNK #1: I really don't like people who suddenly stick blunt objects forcibly in my ear.

NEIL: I think that's terrible.

PUNK #1: Yeah, terrible. Perhaps you could help us. Beat you up.

NEIL: Oh, yeah. What? [Is thrown onto floor]

EVERYONE: Kill the hippie! [Big fight]

RICK: [In corner of kitchen, trying to protect himself] Stop it! You're all hooligans!

NEIL: Don't hit me. I'm a vegetarian, man!

Scene 17 - Neil's Bedroom

[Cut to Neil in bed in the morning]

NEIL: Oh. It was all a dream. Fancy that. Phew! [Titles roll]

Scene 18 - The Party

NEIL: Oh, no! This is the dream. Aaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cuts back to party. Three boots are poised round Neil's head ready to kick him]

Rick: Rik Mayall
Vyvyan: Adrian Edmondson
Neil: Nigel Planer
Mike: Christopher Ryan
Tommy Belowski: Alexei Sayle
Christian: Dawn French
Pestilence: Keith Allen
Famine: Nigel Planer
Other One (War): Rik Mayall
Warlock: Paul Bradley
Gatecrashers: Mark Arden, Steven Frost
Guests: Jennifer Saunders, Tony Allen, Nicholas Ball, Ruth Burnett, Mark Dewison, Chris Ellis, Sadie Hamilton, Peter Laxton, Dave Lloyd, William MacBain, Kilian McKenna, Michael Redfern, Cindy Shelley, David Squire
Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer
Additional material: Alexei Sayle
Puppeteer: Marcus Kimber
Music: Peter Brewis
Additional Material: Alexei Sayle
Properties Buyer: Bob Warans
Visual Effects Designer: John Brace
Vision Mixer: Hilary West
Technical Manager: Alan Jeffery
Senior Cameraman: Roger Fenna
Videotape Editors: Graham Hutchings, Ed Wodden
Costume Designer: Andrew Rose
Make-up Artist: Vivien Riley
Production Team: Ed Bye, Jackie Tyler
Production Manager: Marcus Mortimer
Sound: Laurie Taylor
Lighting: Fred Wright
Designer: Graeme Story
Assistant Producer: Geoff Posner
Producer: Paul Jackson

© BBC 1982