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The Young Ones - Nasty

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
Additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1984

MAN: Checkmate. And why not?

REAPER: Check mate?! Hmmmm!

REAPER: Bollocks to this!

VYVYAN: I still don't see why we have to dig the grave, carry the coffin, and ...everything else.

NEIL: Well we are sort of responsible for his being in this position in the first place.

VYVYAN: Liberal!

RICK: You should have heard me at the undertakers, Mike! [[Snort!]] I made all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my stiffie! [[Snort!]]

NEIL: I thought maybe we should have some, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot. So I borrowed Rick's Biro

RICK: You rented it, Neil You rented it! And you still haven't paid!

NEIL: ...yeah, and I wrote on it, "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and everything, but still, things could have been worse. You could have been me and ended up having a really bad time all of the time, signed, Neil".

MIKE: That's very touching, Neil.

VYVYAN: When my hamster finds out you've nicked his carrot, he's gonna kill you Neil.

NEIL: Was it SPG's? I didn't know he ate carrots.

VYVYAN: He doesn't eat carrots, Neil! He sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls. Wait a minute! We've missed the grave.

RICK: Neil, Neil. Move the spade.

MRS. SMILEY: Do you dig graves?

NEIL: Yeah, yeah they're all right, yeah.

MRS. SMILEY: I'm so glad! I think they're wonderful!

VICAR: What-ho. ah, I-I'm the vicar.

VYVYAN: Well you'd better be, or else you'd look a might girlie in that dress.

VICAR: [pokes Vyv in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?

VYVYAN: Yes. Rick has.

VICAR: Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then; let's get it over with.

RICK: Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?

VICAR: My God, you're right!

Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters.

[takes a big gulp; bottle and Bible in same hand]Right, now, um, where are we? Ashes to ashes....

RICK: [singing]: ...Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie....

VICAR: [Grabs Rick by the collar]: Shaddup!

RICK: Help! I've just fallen in to a grave!

VYVYAN: Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [Grabs the shovel from Neil]

NEIL: No! No! You can't bury Rick alive!

VYVYAN: That's absolutely correct, Neil. We'll have to kill him first!

BRILLIANT!!

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Right! Stop everything, right? Who dug this grave?

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Where'd ya nick all this gear from?

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Yeah, we dig the graves around here, right! If any graves dug on these premises, they get dug by.... [Notices "us"] What's this camera? Is this Game For A Laugh?

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Have you killed someone as a prank?

RICK: [rising from the grave]: No we have not, now will you please BUGGER OFF! This is a serious funeral!

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Anyone uh, told the stiffie joke yet?

ALL: YES!

VYVYAN: So, GO -- AWAY!

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Na, c'mon. Tell us what's going on.

VYVYAN: Well, it's a long story.....

RICK: Neil! The bathrooms free! Unlike the country under the Thatcher-ite junta!

RICK: [worriedly]: What are you doing down there, Neil?

NEIL: [sounding depressed]: Queuing.

RICK: How long have you been there?

NEIL: 30 years.

RICK: You've been listening, haven't you Neil? You've been squatting there listening to what I've been doing in the bath! Is that how you get your kicks these days? It is, isn't it, you little perv-y!

NEIL: I wasn't listening. Anyway, what were you doing?

RICK: I wasn't doing anything.

NEIL: Well, I can't have heard anything, can I?

RICK: And anyway Neil, don't think that me, Mike and Vyvyan don't know exactly what you get up to in there. So I wouldn't go around spilling the beans if I was you!

NEIL: [now very worried]: What do you know about the beans?

RICK: Nothing!

What beans?

NEIL: Oh. Nothing. Ha, Ha, Ha. No beans! Ha ha.

RICK: Listen Neil, I don't have time to stand around here all night being subjected to your revolting innuendoes! Do you want that bath water or not?

NEIL: Uh...

RICK: You haven't got much of a choice, actually, because there's no more hot water.

NEIL: [looks]: Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick.

RICK: Well, don't look at me Neil. Vyvyan had the bath before me and Mike had it before him, and anyway Neil, the whole thing is left over from the bath you had last Tuesday. So stop being so bloody picky; that's your filth!

NEIL: I hate bath night. Oh well, here goes.

It's a bit cold!

RICK: Oh come off it Neil! Where's your spunk!

MIKE: Right. That's it. "Your video is now ready for use. Insert cassette, rewind to beginning of tape, and press play. Happy viewing!"

VYVYAN: Ha ha ha!! They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we've got! Right!

MIKE: Well, I don't call this a new era in televisual entertainment.

VYVYAN: No. I call it very, very dull!

MIKE: Must have gone wrong somewhere.

VYVYAN: Oh God!

MIKE: Maybe you shouldn't have poured all of that washing-up liquid in it.

VYVYAN: But it says here, Michael look, "Ensure machine is clean, and free from dust"!

MIKE: Yeah, but it don't say, "Ensure the machine is full of washing-up liquid"!

VYVYAN: No, but it doesn't say, "Ensure the machine isn't full of washing-up liquid"!

MIKE: Well, it wouldn't would it! I mean, it doesn't say, "Ensure you don't chop up your video machine with an axe, put all the bits in a plastic bag, and bung 'em down the lavatory"!

VYVYAN: Doesn't it? Well maybe that's what's going wrong!

MIKE: [yelling] VYV! Put it down! Put it down! That's worth 500 pounds! I'm minding it for Harry the Bastard!

VYVYAN: Who's he then? A gangster?

MIKE: No, he's a bloke that works at Rumbelow's+.

RICK: Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on when you're in the bath?

NEIL: Well... yeah!

RICK: Why, what are you planning to do, photosynthesise? We all pay for the electricity in this house you know!

NEIL: [still strumming, begins singing] Hello darkness my old friend....

RICK: [shouting to whomever might be inside] Vyvyan! I know you're in my bedroom preparing one of your desperately adult practical jokes! So anything ghastly that happens to me in the next five minutes isn't funny at all!

RICK: Vyvyan?

Strange. Maybe he's ill.

NEIL: What's that? [starts pulling something out of the tub] Oh wow! It's my bike! I was wondering where that was!

RICK: Ha ha! [[Snort!]] Try getting out of that, so called, Vyvyan!

[CUT TO: Down stairs, Vyv's looking in the fridge, atop of which is perched SPG, and Mike is on the couch reading Fangora magazine. Rick's upstairs hammering is heard]

MIKE: What's that thumping?

VYVYAN: That's probably Rick doing a bit of reading.

Maybe a bit of oil will do the trick?

MIKE: What, for the video or Rick's bedspreads?

SPG: Ooh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Yes, we've got a video!

MIKE: Hello Rick!

RICK: [recovered] Mike, listen! I've just boarded up Vyvyan in his bedroom! He'll be in for a pretty big shock when he gets up for his nine-o'clock tutorial!

VYVYAN: [stands up to where Rick can now see] There. I think that should do it!

RICK: Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed?

VYVYAN: Because I'm not going to bed tonight.

RICK: What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight? How dare you not go to bed tonight! I go to all the trouble to board you up in your bedroom, and you don't even have the common decency to be in there!

VYVYAN: Don't worry, Rick; it wouldn't have worked anyway!

RICK: And why not, pray?

VYVYAN: Because I swapped rooms with Neil!

RICK: What?

VYVYAN: Well I had to! I was sick all over my bed.

RICK: You listen here young man. You're going straight up to Neil's room, you're gonna pull the planks off the door, go into your own bedroom, and nail yourself in! And.... What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight?

VYVYAN: Michael and I are going to indulge in an all night orgy of sex and violence!

RICK: What, in the drawing room?

VYVYAN: Yeah. First we're going to have sex with the Headless Corpse and the Virgin Astronaut.

RICK: Ugh!. Won't the carpet get awfully sticky?

VYVYAN: It's a video nasty!!!

RICK: [mockingly; still not understanding yet] It's a carpet, farty!!

MIKE: The only trouble is, we can't get the bastard to work.

RICK: I'm not surprised if he's dead!

MIKE: Not the astronaut; the video.

RICK: Ooooh! Have we got a video??

VYVYAN: Yes -- we've -- got -- a -- vid -- e - o!!!

RICK: Wait a minute, where did you get it from??

MIKE: Well don't spread it around, alright, but I know this guy....

RICK: What, you borrowed it off him?

VYVYAN: Yeah, more or less. There's a free offer down at the TV rental shop where you can get one on trial for the night.

MIKE: Yeah, so I sort of slipped down there and I had a word with the guy...

VYVYAN: ...slipped back to get his birth certificate to prove his age...

MIKE: ... yeah, forged our signature, and bob's your auntie's live-in lover.

VYVYAN: Except that they've given is a dud!

RICK: [mockingly] Given us a dud! Give me this!

Vyvyan, this is for a toaster!

RUFFLES: Shut the door, will you?

SWEATER:Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance, don't they?

RUFFLES: What's the matter this time?

SWEATER:[annoyed at the intrusion] I think he's been shot.

RUFFLES: You know what that means, don't you?

SWEATER:You've stacked?

RUFFLES: No; I'm going to have to shut the door myself.

Huh. He's bleeding all over the floor.

Look! I've just washed this floor! [The wounded man grabs him] C'mon, let go of the trousers.

SWEATER:What's the matter?

RUFFLES: He's muttering, he's grabbing a hold of my trousers.

SWEATER:Maybe he's trying to apologise about the floor.

WOUNDED: [with great difficulty] You've gotta go to Geneva tonight!! 347 Rue de Cavignee. Ask... for... Alec... Guiness!!

RUFFLES: Hold it, hold it. I'll never remember all this. [to Sweater] Give us a piece of paper.

SWEATER:[gives him a card] Use that!

RUFFLES: [looks at it] Did you have the ace the whole time?

SWEATER:No, not that one!

RUFFLES: ...cause I wanted it...

SWEATER:... well I had it, but I...

WOUNDED: [screaming] Hurry, hurry!

RUFFLES: All right, all right. I'm not made of paper! I mean, I'm not a cheque!

SWEATER:[laughs] That very good, actually!

RUFFLES: That's rather good isn't it? I saw a comedian do it on telly.

SWEATER:I saw that! I think I saw that. What's it called?

WOUNDED: Harry!

SWEATER:Harry! That's it!

WOUNDED: Harry Secombe! For God's sake get a bloody paper!!!

RUFFLES: Look, it won't be in the paper, it was on last week!

WOUNDED: [The grabbing at Ruffles' trousers has pulled them down] You've got to go to Geneva tonight! The whole of Western Civilisation [gasps] depends upon it!

RUFFLES: I know all that. It's just that I've got a really good hand here, you see, and anyway, I mean, how am I going to get airport, eh? Who's going to pay for the ticket? [to Sweater] Give me that paper, c'mon.

What's the message? What's the message, c'mon

SWEATER:He's dead.

RUFFLES: How do you spell it?

SWEATER:He's dead.

RUFFLES: [gets serious] Look, Steve, I'm going to have to contact England. They're going to have solve this question once and for all.

MIKE: Haven't you got that thing started yet?

RICK: Give us a chance, Mike!

VYVYAN: Yeah. We've made some toast!

RICK: Oh lordy, lordy! Who can that be phoning us up at this hour?

MIKE: Well, maybe someone's just died.

RICK: Oh you mean one of our relatives; yes, perhaps so.

Neil! Telephone!

NEIL: What? Oh wow, I must have dozed off. Wow it's really dark in here.

Where's the light switch?

NEIL: Ahhh!

RICK: Press that button!!

VYVYAN: I am pressing that button!! [Vyv is using a hammer]

RICK: But you're doing it wrong! You're supposed to use your hand!

VYVYAN: What, like this? [smacks Rick on the head.]

NEIL: Hello? What? No sorry, you'll have to speak up.... I dunno, I'll ask. Hey guys! Do you know the name of a short comedian? Harry something?

GUYS: Yes.

NEIL: Yes we do. [hangs up]

MIKE: [Looks up and notices Neil] Hey Neil! You're filthy! Go and have a bath!

NEIL: I've just had one! It's amazing how dirty you can get in this house just answering the phone!

RICK: Hey everybody, listen! It was probably a dirty phone call!

VYVYAN: [grabs Rick by the front of his robe, and pulls him face to face] Shut up or I'll kill you!

RICK: [sarcastically] Oh, touchÈ, Vyvyan. What devastating repartee. Talk about Oscar Wilde.

NEIL: Oh, alright. Oscar Wilde, was one of the greatest British writers who was perscuted for his homosexuality....

RICK: Shut up!

NEIL: ... well in the early part of his career...

RICK: [still slapping] Shut up!

NEIL: Oh yeah, OK, be like that Rick!

RICK: Be like what exactly, Neil? BE like what??!!

NEIL: Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world.

RICK: What...like your trousers??!!!

NEIL: Don't you dare say that Rick! Flares are coming back in! I read it in my horoscope.

VYVYAN: [instigating] Yeah! How DARE he say that, Neil! Smash his face in!!

NEIL: Well, I'm not into violence, right,

... but I'm really gonna smash your face in!

RICK: [seeing a possible escape] Neil! How are you keeping that flower pot up??

VYVYAN: Why won't this sodding video work!?

MIKE: Vyvyan!

RICK: Hey! I've just had a revolutionary idea!

MIKE: What?

RICK: Let's raise a People's Army and seize control of the State!

RICK: Oh no. The front door's exploded.

MIKE: Vyvyan!

RICK: Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!

MIKE: Well, who do you suggest we blame?

RICK: Thatcher!

VYVYAN: No. Blame whoever rang the front doorbell, 'cause they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up.

MIKE: What bomb?

VYVYAN: Well, I was worried that we wouldn't be able to hear the front door bell, so I thought I'd pep it up a bit!

RICK: Well I call it totally irresponsible! Fancy, coming 'round and ringing the doorbell at this time of night! Hey! I'll bet whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find us still up!

POSTMAN: [with excessive passion] Puff, puff! Splutter! Cor, an exploding front door! Stone the crows, the missus will never believe this 'un.

RICK: What do you want?

POSTMAN: I have a parcel [pulls out a paper from his pocket] for a Mister J. Balowski, Special Delivery!

VYVYAN: Piss off, postie!

POSTMAN: Sign here!

Much obliged, I'm sure! And now... here is... your package!!!

Oh, thank you, thank you

POSTMAN: [offstage]: How was that, Paul? Was I alright?

RICK: A package from the Transvaal! How strange!

POSTMAN: [offstage, continuing to interrupt the show]: I always think that one should do comedy absolutely straight or else it just isn't funny.

RICK: [loudly, trying to upstage the distraction] A PACKAGE FROM THE TRANSVAAL! HOW STRANGE!! I wonder what it could be?

VYVYAN: It's probably a shipment of very hard drugs!

RICK: Why does it say fragile then?

VYVYAN: Ah! Er, that's probably Transvaalian for "very hard drugs".

POSTMAN: [still offstage]: When I was in Eastbourne once in the rep, Larry said to me, "Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?" "Darling," I said, "you don't need to change for the phone!"

VYVYAN: [in the loudest voice possible, and stomping his feet in the debris from the explosion] WILL YOU SHUT UP PLEASE!!!!!!!

POSTMAN: Little squirt! He does one advert and he thinks he's Dustin Hoffman!

VYVYAN: Now then, where was I?

MIKE: You were over there by the door!

VYVYAN: NO! Before that, Michael! Oh God, I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax!

NEIL: [enters from upstairs, wearing a pretty blue dress with white lace around the neck] Listen to me! Everybody in the house listen to me!

MIKE: Shut up Neil! We're talking about the video!

RICK: Yeah, shut up Neil! [follows Mike] We've got video's to talk about, haven't we Mike!

NEIL: Everybody in house listen to me because I have actually got something to tell you all which I think you'll find really interesting!

VYVYAN: Neil, why are you wearing that dress?

NEIL: That's the thing I thing I've got to tell you all about.

MIKE: Well Neil, we don't want to know!

RICK: [worriedly] Yes, yes. Who wants to hear about a silly old dress??

VYVYAN: I do!

NEIL: I'm wearing this dress, right, because some really selfish negative-vibe merchant has boarded up my bedroom. So...

RICK: [claps once] Well, now that's sorted out, let's get back to the video, shall we?

NEIL: ...so like I couldn't get any of my own clothes, right, which I like really needed because I was, like, nude, so I want into Rick's bedroom, right, and all I could find clothes-wise, right, was this dress!

RICK: [very worried] Um... ha ha ha... [[Snort!]]... ah... [defensively] Oh! Oh! So you've taken to snooping around other people's bedrooms, have you Neil? Grubbing about and planting evidence of transvesticism, so as to topple me from my position as most popular member of the flat! Well it won't work!

I've never seen that dress before in my life!

VYVYAN: [looking behind collar] Well it's got your name-tag in it Rick!

NEIL: Yeah!

RICK: Oh good, look, it's not mine! It's not mine! What would I want with a dress? It's not .... Look, I've got money, here take money

NEIL: Well I think we should tell the pigs!

VYVYAN: Yeah, me too!

MIKE: Guys, guys, I hate to say anything negative, but no. If the police come 'round, they'll grab hold of our nasties!

NEIL: [protecting crotch with his hands] Oh!

MIKE: The videos!

NEIL: Oh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: If anyone else asks that question, I'm going to stick their head through the window!

NEIL: Vyv, have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Right! Come this way Neil!

Sideways on!

NEIL: I still don't understand! Does that mean we've got one or not?

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God!NEIL: I'm finding everything really confusing today...

PRISONER #1: [rather eloquently] Transported for life to the colonies, and for what? Scum I was to that beak, nothing but scum. 'Tis for my accent and my situation that I am condemned. 'Tis for the want of better graces and the influence they bring that I am to board this prison hulk.

PRISONER #2: And all those murders you done.

CAPTAIN: [to a woman who was out of view] Aged and toothless and bent old crone!

CRONE: How'd you know me name?

CAPTAIN: We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine.

CRONE: Oh yeah? What's a concubine, then?

CAPTAIN: It's a small, spiky mammal.

CRONE: No... that's a hedgehog!

CAPTAIN: In that case we wish to engage you in ships cook and hedgehog.

PRISONER #1: Hello mate. Say goodbye to merry England. It's ''stralia for us.

PRISONER #2: Quite looking forward, really. Son and daughter went out 'bout six years ago.And I haven't even seen the baby. Must be nearly four by now.....

NEIL: What? Wow! Oh, too much! Can I have a go at it guys? Please?

MIKE: Alright, alright, so long as you're very careful and you don't break it.

VYVYAN: Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute complete working order.

RICK: Yes, yes. So if you happen to press the button and it doesn't work, that means you've broken it and you've got to pay!

MIKE: £500!

NEIL: Anything, anything. [looks at a video tape box] Oh wow! Yeah! [Neil looks at the machine] Well it's not plugged in. [moves to the wall outlet] Oh no. This doesn't reach. Have we got an extension?

MIKE: In the kitchen.

NEIL: No, I mean lead, it doesn't reach.

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God! [Gets up, goes outside, and pushes the entire wall of the house in so that the outlet is now close enough. Chunks of plaster fall. When this is done, Vyv steps through front window, smashing the glass]

RICK: Oh that's right Vyvyan, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces! That's very Buddhist, isn't it?!

NEIL: Right!

Oh! Oh!

VYVYAN: That's brilliant Neil! It's working!

NEIL: Uh, Oh! Ow! Uh, uh.

MIKE: Stay just where you are Neil! That's fabulous!

NEIL: Uh, uh...

OK?

SHE-DEVIL: So, what's it to be first then, dear? [indicates cup number "3"]. Head in a vice? [points to number "2", ...] Knitting needle in the ear?

DAMNED: [holding ear] Oh!

SHE-DEVIL: Or red hot poker up the jacksie?

DAMNED: Thank goodness I've brought along my favourite pain pain-killer!

SHE-DEVIL: What ... [lifts cup "1" to reveal a similar box] ... Painaway?

DAMNED: Yes, Painaway! In my busy life as a working mum, nursery school teacher, and anguished soul cast into the pit for all eternity, sometimes I get those headachy pains; that strange washed-out feeling that you just can't explain.

SHE-DEVIL: [whispering, confiding] She's talking about period pains!

DAMNED: So, the next time you get one of those pains, I recommend a hysterectomy! And it'll be gone in no time at all!

NEIL: Ooooo! Owwooo! Uhhoooo!

MIKE: Neil!

VYVYAN: I was watching that you selfish bastard!

RICK: Oh stop grizzling, Neil! Honestly, I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!

NEIL: Oooo, ahhhh, a-a-loook!! [pointing behind them]

VAMPIRE: Greetings from South Africa!

ALL: Ahhhh!!!!!

MIKE: It's a Vampire!

VYVYAN: In a parcel!

RICK: In the kitchen!

NEIL: Hate mail! What are we going to do??

RICK: Only pop music can save us now!

VAMPIRE: Excuse me, can you show me the way to the toilet?

VAMPIRE: Thank you!

THE DAMNED: (chorus) Catch, catch, the horror taxi; I fell in love with a video nasty; catch, catch, the horror train; the freeze frame gonna drive you insane....

VYVYAN: [talking through the door] Stay right where you are! I've got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!

NEIL: Yeah, take it easy Vamp! You're messing with the big boys now!

VAMPIRE: (nicely) No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!

VYVYAN: A driving instructor from Johannesburg? Prove it!

VAMPIRE: How?

VYVYAN: OK. What should you never do in a box junction?

VAMPIRE: In a box junction, you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!

VYVYAN: Ah, true. OK. What's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?

VAMPIRE: Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear view mirrors. If nobody is behind you should RIP OUT THE VIRGIN'S THROAT AND ....

VYVYAN: Ah hah! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!

VAMPIRE: Oh, Outspan.

RICK: Neil, what exactly does "messing with the big boys" entail?

NEIL: Uh, this.... [squirts him with the toilet cleaner]

MIKE: [ENTERS: running up stairs] Well, I've tried the Battersea Dogs' Home and they won't take him.

RICK: Hey! You should have tried... the Doggesea Bats' Home

MIKE: Aw, don't be flippant Rick!

RICK: [explaining the joke] You see, because he's a vampire....

MIKE: Don't be flippant!

RICK: ...No, I just want to explain...

MIKE: Don't be...Rick!... RICK!!

RICK: I just want... well alright... ALRIGHT!! FORGET IT! Forget it!

MIKE: [addressing camera] This is actually very serious!

NEIL: What are we going to do??

VYVYAN: I know, why don't we bite him to death!

VAMPIRE: You can't bite me! I'm South African!

NEIL: I know, I know! Why don't we lock him in the toilet!

MIKE: We have locked him in the toilet!

NEIL: Oh... It was a good idea, wasn't it!?

RICK: Mike, Mike, what happens when one of us wants to "spend a penny"? He'll be able to see us won't he?

MIKE: I dunno, I'm thinking. [clap!] I've got it! Peter Cushing! We've got to drive a stake through his heart!

VYVYAN: Great! I'll get the car!

NEIL: [confused] ... I'll get a cushion.

Oh no! We haven't got a steak! All we've got is this vegetarian sausage!

VYVYAN: Right! I've got the car! Where's the steak?

VAMPIRE: [addresses camera] It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh? You know what I mean? I mean, all the way from the Transvaal by second class post to end up in a filthy, dirty, horrible toilet in a television studio! I mean, people think that telly's great, you know, they tell me all the time that it must be great, but it's not. It's dead boring. And that lot, I mean, they're all dull as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!

ADRIAN (VYV): I hate him.

NIGEL (NEIL): He drinks like a fish.

RIK (RICK): Yes; he's got no talent.

CHRISTOPHER (MIKE): Alexei who?

VAMPIRE: but you see, the worst thing about television is: you see, I'm a Marxist comedian, you know, but em, since I've been doing television, a lot of me Marxist friends have accused me of selling out, you know. Like they make me march at the back on demos. They're all selling the Socialist Worker, and I've got to sell The TVTimes. So I'd just like to take this opportunity, on national television, to assure you all, comrades, that honest to God, I have NOT, sold out.

...Anyway 'round about now, I usually have a Pot Noodle! It's a tasty... Ummm! Doesn't that look good! It's a tasty delicious little snack! Ummmm! Let's try some, shall we? Doesn't that look absolutely yumscious! Ohhhh! Let's try some, shall we?

Ohhhhh!

RICK: [running for cover] The vampire has escaped from the little-person's room!

VYVYAN: I don't see what all the fuss is about! Vampires only attack... virgins!

MIKE: Uh, yeah, uh, I'm not worried for myself, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm concerned for!

RICK: What, me? Rick? A virgin? Ha, ha, ha!!! Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!

NEIL: Well if Rick's not a virgin, then I'm not either!

VYVYAN: We'll soon be able to find out, won't we! 'Cause the vampire's gonna know! And if anybody gets attacked, then we'll know, that they're a sissy virgin! (God! I hope snogging with SPG counts!)

NEIL: [still holding the sausage] He's gonna get us! He's gonna turn us into vampires, and we'll all be dead, and yet still alive... like Leonard Cohen!

RICK: He's going to bite me first... I'm obviously the most succulent... Right! [runs to stairs] Mister Vampire! Mister Vampire! Don't bite me, I'm a hologram! Bite Neil! He's coffee flavoured!

VAMPIRE: Arrrrrggghhh!!!

MIKE: OK, guys! There's only one way out! We've all got to lose our virginity! Neil!

VYVYAN: But how Mike?.... Oh no!!! Bags not Rick!!

RICK: Bags not Vyv!!!

NEIL: Bags not ... Neil!

VAMPIRE: OK! Who's first? My God, what a choice!

VYVYAN: Quick! Out the window!

VAMPIRE: Oh no! [looking at watch] I forgot about the time difference between here and Johannesburg!! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

RICK: Quick! Nail him in!!

MIKE: Thank heaven for Habitat's sofa-coffins!

RICK: ...So in fact, you see, all four of us have stayed up for the entire night! Now that's what I call ... anarchy!

VYVYAN: We never did get to watch the video.

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Have you got a video:

VYVYAN: YES, WE'VE GOT A VID-E-O!!!

GRAVEDIGGER#2: I only asked!

MIKE: Oh no! The video! If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard by half past nine, we'll owe him 500 quid! What time is it??

ALL: Half past nine!

VAMPIRE: Ahhhhh! Fooled you all! You fell for the oldest trick in the book, the old "strange parcel" routine. And you were completely taken in by my phoney South African accent!

NEIL: Oh really? I thought you were Australian, like David Bowie!

VAMPIRE: No! In fact... [rips off toupee and cape]

ALL: Harry the Bastard!!

VAMPIRE: The very same! And you owe me 500 Quid!

ALL: [in perfect unison] Well. What a complete bastard!